Shrimps

I had a terribly eye-opening day today... shocking, I guess I could call it like that. I tried to search for a word that truly fit my feeling, but I couldn't find it.

I went out with my mom and finally realized many things.

One

There's this particular moment, a time where you feel words and images, people and places, thoughts and feelings collide together and suddenly, you understand. "Revelation!" you're probably saying. No... we've just been deceived into believing revelation comes in the sweet moment of intellectually understanding.

You see, most of the time our "revelations" are just mere comprehensions of what we've heard or seen. Deeper into the reality of revelation, true revelation comes from intimacy.

Revelation comes from "knowing" God... the first time the term "knowing" is used in the Bible it's when Adam "knew" Eve... meaning that they were intimate with each other... and that intimacy, that "knowledge", is the same as real revelation. Out of that moment of knowledge and intimacy came life: fruit, if you may. Children... so when our great understandings and revelations come without fruit, measurable fruit, tangible fruit, then is it really revelation? No... for revelation comes from intimacy and true intimacy encapsulates knowledge, and true knowledge produces: children, fruit... life. If our "revelations" are not producing measurable fruit, then we need to ask ourselves if we're actually connecting our intellectual comprehensions with our spiritual realities. From the Book to our life... in that moment, that's when we reach revelation.

Two

I keep telling myself I don't know what I want. My dreams, I fear, are acquired aspirations. Stolen bits and pieces from all the people around me. I've become a puzzle piece and so far just left and right have matching pieces...

Trying to figure out what I want, bumping into the possibility of having dreams, of becoming something.

I tell myself not to do anything before "I know". Before "I know" EXACTLY what God wants for me and how to get there. So far, I thought that that way of thinking was fine... because I wasn't thinking it like that, it was more like "I don't want to mess up, show me Your way so I can walk in it and please You"...

mistake number one: believing I would be saved from "messing up"...

I will mess up, and I have deeply messed up in many ways. Jesus already knew that and He still wants me to try anyways.

It's easier like this: I don't let myself dream because I tell myself that in the end, if I chase my dream, God will make me choose between my dream and His. Obviously, I'd choose His (I think I would) and then I'd feel miserable for letting go everything I had worked so hard for.

But talking with wiser persons here and there... turns out I don't trust God.

mistake number two: thinking I was not going to mess up...

Who said anything about not messing up? I'm so infatuated with the idea of "being ok" and not messing up that I'm not doing anything anyways. I sit by my computer and wonder what the future will bring but I'm too afraid to face it.

It's time to mess up...

Three

Has to do with Two...

So now that I decided to risk it. Do it. Take a chance. Dream my dreams. Chase them all over the world...

Why do we keep insisting on believing in a God that WANTS you to suffer and loose your dreams for some lame dream He might have?

Don't we know that His plans are greater than ours? Don't we know that His ways are better than our ways? Don't we say that we believe that what's in His heart for us is always the best?

Then why do I think that once I do get to the "choose your or my dream" part of my life, "my dream" will be the best one and God's dream will only be a second rate thing?

Will that help me trust in Him a bit more? Let's hope so.

Four

People are amazing. Love is amazing. Vulnerability is amazing. Why don't we give it a try?