only thing that matters

I want to know what's going on...

with some hard work I'm sure you'll be able to walk again...

I don't know what to do

everything has a purpose, even this. and its up to you to find it

a warrior does not give up what he loves, he finds the love in what he does.

I don't think your leg is the only thing that got broken

they've told me you will never compete again

you'll be amazed at what you can do

I call myself a peaceful warrior, because the battles we fight are on the inside

This moment... is the only thing that matters




from "peaceful warrior"

My thoughs, well, most of them anyways

It's been a while since I've written something substantial, and truthfully I regret the past ranting entries, but we'll just leave 'em to show that we all have ups and downs... I said I was going to write more, but this month has been a crazy month. I found this article, that just about sums up my thoughts, mostly. It's about messy lives and facades and needing God and being overwhelmed and all that... so, if you're someone who would read MY entry on this blog, I really really think you should read this... I was considering saying something like "that's what I think I'm just a bit more evolved into it" but it would be lying. However, there are some things I don't relate too, you are free to take whatever you want... So, I can see it now, the mess, that is... and now I'm figuring out my way out of it. Step by step.

Here's to hoping I have time to write more at night when I'm done studying... because this time I actually have to.

I can't breathe

I'm sorry but it is... can You fix it? Will You please fix it? I can't do it on my own... Please... I'm begging You. Breath on me... blow away the confusion and shine Your light on me.

I'm fading. Hold on to me


ETA: if someone read the lyrics I had here before, I took them off because I didn't really read all of it until now and realized that half of what they said I don't believe in... so, that's that

old post

I think I've hit a breach, so I'm not going to let it go just now.

It seems the easiest thing to do is always just lose your limits. And when you think about it, it's really is as easy as jumping a two feet fence. You just do, and before you know it, you're already on the other side.
I've always had a hard time grasping the concept of limits. We can all go around blaming our parents for it. But it's only ourselves who live with that for the rest of our lifes. Or... yes, or. We can choose to live a life in which two feet picket fences symbolize the freedom in which we are able to forever enjoy life rather be "incarcerated" by real or imaginary walls.
It's as simple as this: a fence, a lamb, a desert. The lamb, refusing to be tied down by the alliusive wall decides to one day not go into the pen. By doing this, she actually believes that she is now free, rather a prisoner of circumstances, and begins to wander off, absobring

daunting
compelling


sometimes i feel like my thoughts actually try to drown me...

writers block

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
-Rilke

This time

I told Pr that I wasn't going to write about the wedding, but I guess I will

I am so tired, I already did like five backspaces just in the last sentece to correct misspelled words and typing mistakes.

this is retarded. I can't write

The wedding was awesome. The food was on time, which was FREAKING awesome. GOSH! And I danced for a while, which was pretty awesome too, except I was so tired I left at like 12:30 in the morning instead of the planned 3 am... hehe... so now I'm here writing about the wedding not really remembering what I was really going to write about. Oh yeah, it was about fighting... but I can't do it unless I'm sober (I'm not drunk really, just tired) so I'll just leave you with one thought

This time, I'm fighting

suckiness

I just about tanked my first partial exams...

I felt so frustrated when I realized that this partial was going to be patheticly low, I came home.

Hold on a sec. It's not like I'm being all emotional... but I knew I wasn't going to pay any attention to the next class anyways.

I have to get a grip of all this school stuff... apparently college does require studying, contrary to my very unpopular belief... so, I have to nerd it up this next partials to TRYYYY and get a freaking 90 for an average.

I just needed to vent a little... so, there it is.

Tumbling Skeptics

I painted something else on my wall today. It says "determination: firmness of purpose"

I went out with V, A and P today. A was here for the weekend, kinda, for the first time in six months. All through the night and into our conversation I was taken aback by so many realizations -things I've been having a lot of lately - but anyways. The following is my thoughts on the matter, if anyone can identify with them, fine, but don't feel offended otherwise.

A moved to another city a while back... and if you read this A, take it as somewhat of a reconciliation letter of some sorts... Even before she moved, we... more like I... pulled back. Crap happened and I just plain and simple pulled back... And I'm terribly sorry for doing that A. For being such an ass of a friend and letting go when things got ugly.

Now I'm sitting there seeing how A's heart is so many things that I've always dreamed of, and by no means am I envious of anything, at all. On the contrary, I am moved, inspired even, and I am stirred in my spirit because my perspective has been widened.

So all of these things that I had been pushing back in my heart start flowing back in like a tidal wave and I don't know what's gotten into me. And she's talking and I can see in her eyes the beauty of her heart, and I feel terrible because I didn't have the courage to believe. In her, in life... in God mostly.

We've become such terrible skeptics. Refusing to believe those things that try to move us from our tiny area of comfort. Before we know it, we're so self involved that we've already forgotten that there's actually a world out there, that we are really not that important. Listening to A talk pulled me out of my own shoes and opened my eyes again, to so many things that I, myself, was fiercely shutting my eyes to.

We've been trained to believe that what we have is always the best... or the worst (not my case, though) and we're prepared to fight for that belief whatever the cost. Our minds, so tightly wound, always finding a way to protect us from our insecurities. Even God we find a way to fit into a box. But who are we to fit such an amazing and spectacular Power into a man-made frame? Who are we to limit the capacity of the Uncreated One?

It is so easy for me to point my finger everywhere else, saying things like "she's wrong, he's right" and in a glimpse I've become what I so very much hate. And as I sit here and write, the song on the background agrees with me saying: "Save me from comfort and paper religion. Save me from my complacency. Save me from my delusions."

Reflecting on everything that happened tonight I can't help but ask myself. Have I become so selfish and egocentric that I truly think so highly of myself? Am I what Paul says on Romans 12 when he warns us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think, but to think soberly?

With such little discomfort I find myself stepping up to my soapbox proclaiming great feats, calling all attention unto me. Convincing myself that God has one plan and one way and that everyone else is wrong and no one knows what I know or sees what I see... and I am so wrong. I am so terribly and utterly wrong.

Why do I try and push God into my own small four walls?

Am I going to let Him be? Am I going to let Him be God the way I cannot comprehend nor understand? It is a risk... Letting all my paradigms fall down to the ground. It comes with letting go of the control of my life, but like I've said before, it's a risk I'm very much willing to take.

Will I believe now, that He works in ways I will never fully grasp? Will I be willing to stop looking only at myself and love others in selfless way? I have hope, as we all have hope.

I cannot let myself stop believing... in people's ability to change, to stand firm, to remain unshaken. I cannot let myself believe that there are only few crying out for the heart of the Father... it's like that prophet dude that whined to God saying that He was the only man of God left after a prophet killing, and then God told him that He was thinking too much of himself, that He had been setting aside a couple hundred men and women with a heart hungry for God... oy.

We cannot believe only for ourselves, our families, our churches and our nations. Who will believe for other people, other families, other churches and other nations if not us? (seeing as we many times barely believe in ourselves)

We cannot keep limiting God saying he can or can't do or say as He pleases, for He alone is God.

bits and pieces

Look before your eyes and wait. Wait. Wait.

It'll be here before you know it.
revolution.

transformation.

revelation.

over and over and over again.

Lost in wonder waves of silver colors
Found hidden in gentle kisses
She will. He has. We are. forever.

overcoming beauty.
shards of golden raindrops.
completion

saturation

designation: His

they used to be great

this is my week, summarized into a song...

Monday found me on my knees again, breathing You in
To blur the lines that mark where I begin and where You end
No use in trying to pretend, come take me again
Cause rumor has it I'm not who I've been,
Come define me

What can we do if the rumors are true?

I turn everything over... I turn myself in
I turn everything over... I turn myself in
There's nothing left of me to defend
I turn everything over... I turn myself in

The evidence convicts the hollow man, after looking inside
To my dismay I find I'm just one of them
Cause I'm an already but not yet resurrected fallen man, come break this limbo
And I know You know just who I've been,
Come define me

What can we do if the rumors are true?

I turn everything over...

Rumor has it You love me
Rumor has it the world spins upside down
Rumor has it my only hope is You
And the rumors are true
I turn everything over [to You]


then there's this "wooo hooo hooo hooo hoooo" in the song that just about makes my day.

- I Turn Everything Over, Switchfoot

overwhelmed

overwhelm: bury or drown beneath a huge mass...

as of this moment, there is one prayer lingering in my heart: that my eyes would behold You in all of Your beauty., and that my eyes would behold You in all of your glory... Lord come and awaken my heart; inflame my desire for You.

You told me tonight that You found my worship beautiful... you whispered to my ears that You find me beautiful... and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the fact that You love me. Just as I am.

I want to find You. Everywhere I go. I've said it before, Father, but I'll say it forever: I want to say with all my heart that You are my Father in whose presence I abide.

Let me see Your face, let me hear Your voice. You are the one I love and I will seek You forever.

I want but to sit at your feet gazing at your fiery eyes, melting away in the flames of Your passion.

gaze: look steadily and intently, especially in admiration, surprise, or though. [in sing. ] (in literary theory) a particular perspective taken to embody certain aspects of the relationship between observer and observed.

Between Lover and loved. Between You and me.

My heart hurts because I know I have to let go of myself. You've been taking me gently to a point in which the only next step is to turn everything over, and I want to see You and behold You, so I'll do anything.

I lift my eyes up to the heavens and my heart stretches out to You. Father, Son, Spirit of God.

One thing I desire in my heart and that will I seek: to abide in Your presence, Lord all the days of my life. FOREVER

and that huge mass that is burying me? It's His love, forever mine, although I most assuredly do not deserve it. But He doesn't care that I don't deserve it, so why would I?

(It is a season of change, of transformation. It is time to love=live)

I just had to

Someone I love wrote again tonight... well, more like they wrote and let me see again tonight. I'm always amazed by that persons writing, and I'm also amazed at the fact that she called me to my house phone and I did not listen to it ring at all! And I wasn't even asleep asleep (o so I though) I mean, I had just gotten to bed like 10 minutes earlier... that probably means I was really tired. But here I am, again: writing at almost 1 in the morning. How beautiful it is, to be inspired even in the darkness. How much I'd love to be so in my spirit.

So... I've come to deep realizations about myself these past days. First of all, as it turns out, I am NOT in control of my life... and as weird as it is to realize that what you always thought would be in your hands really isn't in your hands at all, it is also somewhat amazing, that something as important as a human beings life is being taken cared of by their One and Only Creator.

Father, may I never look away from You. Ever.

I'm trying to decide if I should tell you about this. You see I'm about to embark into a profound journey into my Lover's heart... this time, I'm figuring out how beautiful he made me, and trough that, I'm going to learn how to love me. And for that, I plan on writing these articles, every week or so, in which I speak of myself in third person, and just about praise me for whatever it is I've done right during the week...

The issue here is that as it turns out, I am very demanding with myself. I have great expectations of what I should be doing, or not doing, and I spend all my time and energy making sure I do things right. So when I don't, I usually get all over me and I unconsciously find ways to "hurt" or "punish" myself... like if I told myself I didn't deserve the things He gives me every day... so, because of that, I am going to write that column.

It's going to be my healing column... and I'll probably post it up here just because it makes it much more challenging to have people read it...

one last thought for the day, copied from the song I've been listening to lately: Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze I become more like You and my heart is changed, and as You fill my view transform me into the likeness of You.

This year, I have to say this again: will be a good year. A great year. A year for change, a year to establish, to lay down foundations... a year to step up to the plate and begin to play