Do the chicken dance!

So I had this entry all planned out, half of it written and all, but then I thought it might be kind of confusing, so now I have to figure out what I want to talk about.

In all honesty, this past month has been one of the most intense months of all my short life. I remember praying to God, saying with all my heart, "show me my heart... open my eyes", and boy did He take it seriously. For dramatic purposes, although it is as real as I am writing it, He did open my eyes: I saw everything I've never wanted to see in my life. All the trash, all the concealed shards and cobwebs. All the demons... turns out my heart isn't as nice and clean as I liked to think it was.

So there I am, facing a mirror, and what I see is like nothing I've ever seen before. I look into my eyes and I see shades of gray that have never caught my gaze on previous occasions. But there it is. And God is truly shouting at me "Look. See. Hear. Understand." and all I do is run like a beheaded chicken trying to hide from an obvious truth, an impending fate...

It's time to choose. Time to decide where I want to head off to. Life or death.

It's like when God told Moses "I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that... you... may live; that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers..."

He called heaven and earth as witnesses... "Choose life" He says, with nothing but a desire to have me... and there I go again, beheaded chicken running in circles trying to get somewhere, unaware that most likely I won't go anywhere because, dude, I don't have a head.

And there I go again.

Let me be a bit clearer so you can understand what is going on.

As it turns out my heart is filled with violence and bitterness... Violence? Wow, that's a term I never thought I'd use to describe myself. But yes, world, now you know. I am violent. And not precisely the good "heaven taking violent", just plain ol' violent. And amongst other things, I want things to be done my way or the highway... but since I had been praying to God that I wanted Him to show me His ways, now He's all "My way or the highway" on me, which is good, really. I just have a hard time coming to terms with myself, realizing that all this time that I thought and believed that I was walking straight ahead all I was doing was the beheaded chicken dance: running everywhere, heading nowhere.

And now here I am, finally coming to terms with the fact that there are indeed scratches and bruises all over me. I'm not perfect, as I'd come to expect of myself. I fail miserably and am incapable of love. I am selfish and cold hearted. I am violent and controlling. I am envious and vindictive.

But as I lay on my bathroom floor, face down before my God, the secret of life unveiled inside me:

Yes, I am all those things. But whatever I am is covered by the fact that I am saved and I am His beloved.

- Oh come on! Are you kidding me?

- No, I'm not kidding. It is covered. All you have to do is believe.

- This can't be true. I mean, look at all I've done and though and said and broken.

- In those things, precisely, is where the power of my Love comes in. What good would perfecting love bring if you were able to perfect yourself on your own? I say to you repent and turn to Me. Obey to every Word that comes from My mouth... I will circumcise your heart so that you may love me with all your heart and soul...

This commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will ascend into heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ But the Word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it.

- *speechless*

Yes. That is the way it was intended to be. All I have to do, all you have to do, all we have to do is listen.

Obedience is in there too, right alongside faith and determination.

But amidst it all is where I find myself being held by His mercies and being softly caressed by the touch of His hand. And as I come to terms with myself I come to terms with the fact that He is the one who transforms me. So I guess all I have to do now is what I already know I have to do... the determining factor is seen the moment I decide to actually do what I know I have to do.

I'll do it... Lead on: This time I'm fighting.