boogie wonderland

my creative header skills are low this morning... ehh, whatever

It's tomorrow morning (from when I wrote the last post) and the runny nose has turned into a clogged nose... with a little bit of runny... *in a preachery voice* Sooo let us praaay, brothers, for I caaannoooot staaand runny noses. I want to sing and pray out loud, but my voice does not want to with me. so yes, let us praaay, pray against my stupid cold... (that last part was more me than the preachery voice. heh)

I think this is the first day out of the past 30 that I don't have my day all planned out... I have so much to do though that I have to start planning right about.... now! so yeah, I have 2 exams tomorrow and I don't have the copies to study, so I have to get those. Then... um... I think that's all I have to do really, so I can relax a bit today. I was going to go to my singing class, but I can't because I can't breathe right because of my nose (so right this moment, I'm calling my teacher to set up another time this week, because I didn't go last time... but he didn't answer)

I want to watch a movie, or something nice and relaxing. ooh, I saw a different episode of laguna beach last night, it was cool. Heh. They all went down to "Cabo", but the funny thing was, unlike the past 2 seasons, these guys went with their parents! I guess the parents saw the other seasons and didn't want those things going on this time... heh, party poopers! (I'm kidding)

So, to all who read this: have a good morning! If you read it at a different time, which you probably will: have a great *insert whatever period of the day you want here* and enjoy!

Later

nose crying

I cried so hard last night that when I finished I had a very intense runny nose... so intense, it's still runny right now... so intense, that i can't tell when my mucus (ew, I'm sorry) has left my nose and is gushing towards my lips... so intense, that it makes me cry... for real, like I can't make it stop, my eyes are all watery and I'm sneezing like five times every half hour and tears are just rolling down my cheeks and I'm not even sad or anything. Ugh I feel like a broken faucet... so much for "feeling" my emotions

dear one,

When I look at you all I want is good things to happen in your life. When I see you smile I believe that God really has made something amazing. I hear of stories of fantasic places, but they are all inside your heart. I wish I could take a peek inside sometimes. I know I've seen a thing or two. But there's so much more I'd love to travel. The roads your imagination has paved through the universe, so much filled with grace and understading. Overflowing with love, and passion.

I pray I can care for you forever.

sincerely,

two

pay no attention to what's written in this entry, it's just me being immature and stupid

I'm so sick of waiting for everyone else to do what they are supposed to khaahkgñbdsgñbfgawbgwa do!

I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. It's killing my nerves and it's frustrating me.

GOD! I'm so frustrated! I want to smack the hell out of my computer, or anything else near my smacking range.... that, or scream. But it's late, so I can't scream, and I can't smack anything because the last time I hit something while in an anger fit I bruised one of my toes so bad I limped for like a week.

When I finally had all the doors open around me, I made my decision. Then it all began to close down on me so fast I didn't know what hit me.

Why on earth would I be guided into finally deciding, and believing that things were ok, just to be messed over?

This is probably so wrong, but I still feel it all inside of me. Today I felt like a two year old. Well, maybe more like a 10 year old. Making a fuss over the stupidest thing. Getting mad for the most insignificant issue. Being a general ass, really.

And all for what? just for the freaking realization that I am not in control of my life. And why would I be, if I decided I was turning over my control to my Father? Oh but no. I had to realize it the hard way. The hit-you-square-in-the-face way.

I'm so over it. That's it for today, I have to go bawl the rest of it out to my Dad.

I hope I wake up in the morning

It's always much more appealing at one in the morning than at three in the afternoon, don't you think?

As my eyelids are barely holding up, I try my best to speak... more like write... the words gushing through my heart. Klaus Kuehn in the background, a new sound for a new journey to come. Isn't God beautiful?

I recently discovered someone I didn't think knew something about me really does know it... I'm not sure, but I think I actually wrote about that before. I re-discovered it today and was blown away by it. It makes me uneasy to write about it, like never before... so this is all you'll get from me on this subject. I just wanted to throw it in the air.

"There are defining moments in each persons life that prove to confirm his or her God-given calling, purpose and destiny. Along life journeys one might encounter a bountiful mixture of truth and temptation, joy and sorrow, blessings and trials. And somewhere in all these experiences comes a distinguished moment that settles forever that one thing God has called them to do... With each of us its the journey, the life experiences that lead up to that particular moment that the Lord so aptly uses to solidify, once and for all, for which your life has been destined for... Change comes in varied forms. We embrace joyous seasons whole-heartedly, but it is in sorrows that our faith is tried and our endurance is tested." Klaus Kuehn

Oy...

It's upon these kinds of realizations that I am left kneeling before my God crying out to His heart 'Abba Father'. For He is the only one I need, and He's the one guiding me.

couldn't wait

I haven't really reaaally written in the past 5 days so I'm getting all antsy about it.

Truth is, I've been busy. But today I didn't go to school because I felt kind of sick in the morning, and it was so cold I didn't even want to try. So here I am, sitting at... nope, I won't tell you where... about to go downstairs and have breakfast. On a good note, I've FINALLY been able to stick to my diet for a day and a half. (HA!) You see, that just made me sound very un-able to do something like diet for more than two days, but the fact is that I was very much able to for six months, and I lost almost 18 lbs (8 kg) but then crap happened and all that I had achieved during those six months went to... wherever... during the next year and a half. So now. I'm on a mission! Since I am most probably going to NY this summer (I already decided I was going to go, I'm just waiting for my last permission) (I was going to wait and tell you about it until I knew for sure, but I like to spoil surprises... here at least) ok, so I was saying: since I am most probably going to NY this summer, I MUST loose those horrible 18 lbs that I gained... Ohh, you want to know something? I don't know if I really did gain 18 lbs again, I've been to afraid to weight myself (that, and the fact that my scale broke... heh) ohh, and another good thing: those 18 lbs I gained again? apparently they went somewhere where they were never before, because all my clothes? (well most of them anyways) still fit me... All of them except my fancy clothes... and since I'm having a really important wedding in July, I really must look top notch.

So, enough about weight and clothes... I had been busy. Still am actually, I'm just resting for half an hour more, and then I'll get to it. I was going to work all night long, but my stomach hurt like someone was pounding it from the inside. Then I sort of fell asleep in my mom's room, and she had to guide me to my own room, half asleep, at 1:30 in the morning. I never knew what happened.

Omg, I can't sit here anymore. I'm gonna go eat my very much diet-y egg whites and cottage cheese (I heart cottage cheese, so diet is good on me)



--- I hate that I always misspell "surprise" and write "suprise"... whoever taught me that should be grounded! thank God for spell check.

thought of the day

My spirit melts down every time I listen to anyone strum a few chords. (anyone good at it)

I pray my husband can play an instrument... any instrument would be good. But a guitar, that would be amazing.

In spanish y en ingles, you tell me.

A: Le encargo una coca porfavor.

Mesero: ¿Una coca light?

A: No, una normal.

Mesero, con cara total de qué diantres: ¿¡normal!?

A: (silencio)

a los pocos segundos después, todavía no segura de que estaba ofendida: "Sí... ¿por qué ehhhh?"

Todos los demás en la mesa: ¡Jajajajaja!

IN ENGLISH!

A: Can I have a coke, please?

Waiter: A diet coke?

A: No, regular.

Waiter, absolutley puzzled: Regular?

A: (silence)

a few seconds later, still not sure if she was supposed to be offended: "Yes... but why?"

Everybody else at the table: Hahahaha! (unlike the beaner laugh in spanish... jeje)

despierto, y AUN estoy contigo

Someone said I was a walking contradiction... no, that's not true... there was once a prince, who fell in love with a servant woman. He told her that she was a walking contradiction. But I feel like that sometimes.

V got her acceptance email from NY today. That means that now there is an actual decision to make. To go or not to go, that is the question... talking with V though, trying to figure out the whole situation she told me "ugh, we are two very complicated people"... and yes. She has a point there.

My sister asked me tonight what I was thinking about. She had been talking for quite a while, saying things I assume only her complicated mind can fashion, then she entered into a detailed description of things that had happened in her heart over some time away. It got me thinking... again.

About making the right decisions. About growing. About facing life and facing reality. About love and about fighting.

I want to write more, but I'm afraid it would all be vain writing. The issues in my heart are not in order, and going over them in writing would just be giving them permission to take over.

One thing I know... I'll rise up. For the Lord, He is my maker, my creator. He holds me in the palm of His hand.

He has searched me and known me. He understands me. He hedges me behind and before and his hand is laid upon me. I cannot get away from His Spirit. I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

and tomorrow, when I awake, I will still be with You. I am. Forever, still with You.

Life and Career Plan

(to understand the motive and reasoning behind this post, read previous post)

I finished it... sorry it's not in english for those who cannot read spanish. But I thought it would be nice to post it.

"Plan de vida y carrera"

Quisiera poder escribir aqui que tengo toda mi vida planeada y que la carrera que estoy estudiando tiene que ver en realidad con la carrera que quiero perseguir con mi vida. Pero no puedo, porque este ultimo mes al parecer me quedé sin planes.

Sin embargo, ¿quiere saber si tengo planes? Sí, de alguna manera sí los tengo.

Lo primero que quiero, anticipando cualquier esceptisicmo, es lo que Dios quiera.

Antes de continuar... también puedo sentarme aquí a escribir que quisiera ser escritora, directora de cine, periodista, todo menos algo que vaya a involucrar más de un 30% de tiempo sentada en un escritorio haciendo trabajo metódico y tedioso (a mi juicio personal). Le podría decir incluso en qué escuela quería estudiar. Que para ser escritora planeaba tomar cursos en los veranos, y después tal vez entrar en una maestria de desarrollo de la escritura. Que para ser directora de cine me iría a estudiar a Nueva York terminado la carrera, que todos los veranos buscaría la manera de aprender más de eso y que incluso desarrollaría mis propios proyectos en el proceso. Que para ser periodista me iría a Northeastern University en Chicago o a Emerson College en Boston... Pero hacer eso sería volver a empezar a desarrollar planes que pronto terminarían en ser solamente eso: planes.

Por el momento sé qué estoy haciendo y también sé que planeo hacerlo bien. Terminar mi carrera de mercadotecnia, aprender lo necesario para emprender un negocio de cualquier tipo, por si es necesario en un futuro. También sé que mi "carrera profesional" no es mi prioridad. Mi prioridad está en la voluntad de Dios para mi vida, y mi confianza está en que Dios me va a dirigir en ella.

¿Qué si le explico cómo está eso? No puedo muy bien, apenas estoy aprendiendo a entenderlo yo misma. Una cosa sí le puedo decir: mi vida no está en mis manos y he decidido cederle los derechos de mi futuro a mi Dios.

Otra cosa le puedo decir: lo que hago y lo que haga, lo voy a hacer bien. Lo voy a hacer tan bien que nadie va a poder decirme que lo que estoy haciendo no es lo que debería de estar haciendo. Y lo voy a disfrutar tanto que cualquiera que me vea va a querer saber qué estoy haciendo, por qué y cómo. Ese, ese sí es mi plan de vida y carrera. En resumidas cuentas, claro.


now. I'm going out on a limb here (i heart that expression) by turning that in... lets see how my very much career oriented teacher will react to my earnest confessions...

Rude Awakenings

I just pulled my speaker's chord and they brutally fell on top of me... good thing is they still work fine.

On to the next subject... Today was very intense, to say the least. I'm still trying to assimilate everything that's been going on, but I can't seem to move on with myself. Procrastination meets evasion: only for a short period of time though.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how I felt that in the 15 days that have gone by this year I feel like I've lived through a whole year. Every day is like a totally different month, and I'm facing many of my realities like a shocking roll of thunder.

If I had anything logical to write, I probably would. I'm totally hiding from the fact that I have to write a paper titled "Life and career plan" for tomorrow. I had two weeks to do it, but still here I am, less than 8 hours till I have tu turn it in. But you know what? I'm afraid to plan ahead.

If I had to choose, my major self-confrontation this week has been about my future. As some of you probably know, I was planning on going to NY for the summer to intern for a film company or something like that... everything seemed according to plan, except my heart caught up with me. Now, I'm not so sure

If you promise not to tell anyone... I don't think I'm going.

You see, this week I've been confronted with who I want to be. A couple entries down, I wrote about how all my plans usually get screwed up, or how I always seem to have a plan for what I wanted to do next... this time, I'm planless...

I thought I wanted to be a film director. I idealized myself creating soul-stirring movies. I truly believed that I would find a way to reach the unreachable through subliminal messages and well-presented biblical principles.

Then my heart went back to the beginning. When I first knew God, all I wanted was to be an influential woman of God. I even asked Him to tell me what ministry He wanted me for... He answered: apostle... the modern-day-not-so-much-but-kinda missionary. I envisioned myself standing before crowds of thousands, words flowing, Spirit moving, hearts being transformed... but then I grew up and movies seemed so much more appealing to me... I know I'd be good at it. I even know God gave me so many skills and creativity for anything I'd like to do... but then again... do I want to do what I want to do? As a servant of God, am I my own? Have I not decided to surrender my rights when I said to God: 'I am yours'?

Jesus' disciples had jobs, some of them were important accountants or accomplished men in the community... but they didn't do that with their lives. Following Jesus really did take leaving everything behind...

I'm not saying that those who choose to follow a career path or even have a calling to a specific area not directly linked with the ministry are less than those who dedicate their lives to the ministry.

But what do I want of my life?

If I do go into the film industry, I will make sure to bring God glory, but indirectly it would also bring me glory... The life I had desired in my heart before, but not planned for, that life, that is the only one that would give glory only to my God.

Then I find myself sitting and thinking: who am I going to be? Who do I want to be?

And my heart says 'Give the glory to your God'... but my mind says 'you can give glory to your God not only by 'being in the ministry... why did he give you so many talents and dreams and aspirations then, if only to waste them away?'

You wanna know what? I don't know.

I really, really don't know.

I need direction. I know in my heart where I want to be. Maybe I'm afraid to admit it. Maybe I'm afraid that if I truly surrender my life I will no longer have control over it. Even though that is what I want.

So until I make up my mind... or really until my heart and my mind finally decide to agree... until then, I have no direction other than the three steps I have to take tomorrow. So, how I am I supposed to write a "life and career plan" if I have no clue where my life is heading and I don't even know if I want to have a career?

----

Isn't it ironic though, that the other thing I'm learning about is enjoying the process of living a day at a time? Isn't it ironic that God is going to so much trouble to show me that I should not worry for what is to come?

remember the lilies... that's my only conclusion so far. Everything else is a white sheet of paper DYING to be written on.

girl, interrupted

don't you think?

photo

The guiltiest guilty pleasure: Laguna Beach

I watched season 1 religiously, season 2 not so much and frankly, season 3 basically sucks. Bad habits die-hard though, because I'm sitting in my mom's bedroom after eating sushi watching repeats of season 3 episodes.

The greatest thing about a laptop is that when a song you like comes on tv you can google it immediately and download it. Ah the magic of music.

There's this movie I'm going to watch in my photography class about a percussionist who is deaf. How incredible is that! Oh and also, we're watching another movie about a blind photographer. There definitely has to be something to learn about that.

Yesterday was my first photography class. It was good. But there's so much out there that I have no clue how I'm going to manage to keep my heart clean.

You see, the thing about photography, good photography at least, is that it tells you something. A good photograph has the power to touch your soul because it tells you something. Most photographers, most artists in general (I'm going out on a limb here, I'm generalizing, mostly speaking of mainstream artist) are people with an obscure past. They are hurting souls and their outlet, their inlet really... if there's even something called like that... is through their art. They can't touch their emotions because it would drive them crazy, so instead they create art and eventually end up crazy too... avoiding their broken hearts and desperate spirits.

People like their art because their own spirits recognize the spirit behind the piece of art, but ignorant to the spiritual world around us, they don't know it... be it a photography, a sculpture, painting, whatever. So it's hard for me to see pictures like those of Sally Mann for example, an amazing photographer I was introduced to yesterday and not be stirred inside, and not precisely in a good way. The photo I saw was of this girl, a young 10-year-old maybe, holding what appears to be a cigarette. Her eyes scream out to the world, asking why she had to grow up so soon, why she's being corrupted by those who should love her. Her sister on the side, her back to us, seems to be saying "whatever, it is what it is" and with detachment stares at her brother, climbing up on his own way on blurry stilts.

When I take pictures I want the Spirit of God to flow through me. I don't want nostalgic pictures that carry an air of bittersweet memories. I want love, passion, joy, mercy, grace, glory and power to flow through them. I want everything I do to overflow that.

It's amazing. Our God is amazing. My God is amazing. And I can't conceive a life without Him. And looking at those pictures, shattered pieces of people’s hearts splatter over my eyes while one by one I analyze the discourse behind it. And I truly wonder how on earth anyone can live without Him. I mean, life is as hard as it can be sometimes and I know better.

To touch Him, to be near Him, to know He' standing over you. Who can offer anything better than that? (Am I good at getting sidetracked or what?)

That's all on my mind right now, but I'm gonna stop now because my laptop's battery is almost over.

random thoughs about everything

zeal: great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective

Crying. Lying on the floor, beside my nightstand a sharp coal.
Take it and write upon the double stones.
I cannot see for it hurts even though it shouldn't.


I love many people, but I really truly belive I'd give my life in a heartbeat (literally) for only two of them (the rest I could think about ;) heh). One of them hurt tonight and I felt like my heart was being torn into pieces with every teardrop. Sometimes I just want to hold her hand and breathe out "It'll be ok", but it won't really matter. True comfort will come from the only One whose breath restores the living. I'm still here either way, and I hope that stands for something.

How it is, to wish to give something to those that have given you everything. We'll just cross our fingers expecting they'll get back at least a trace of what they've let go.

moment

I'm sitting here trying to eat a weird diet muffin without leaving crumbs all over my desk/floor/room/clothes... and I am failing miserably. I should be doing something else right now, so I'll just leave you with the knowledge that you can not eat a muffin without crumbing up everything around you. But man, was that a good muffin!

To the living

This is for all my X-Men brothers and sisters. All of us, strangers in this land, who living among the dead walk by the power that defeated death forever.

This is us.

Falling Up

Where is the line between being moved in your emotions and being moved in your spirit?

I fear in my heart that sometimes I might only be seeking for emotions when my God longs for a spiritual worship.

There's something in my heart right now that I can hardly explain. I want to, and I'm trying so hard to, but I just can't seem to find the words.

Daddy, I need to need You...
I need to want You. Otherwise I can't go on.
I need to know that the one thing, the only thing that my heart desires and longs for with every breathing moment is You and only You.

I can't be just one more. I need to get there. There's so many things and options and it's all so overwhelming. I know I need to run to you but I seem to have forgotten how to use my legs.

So I'm laying here on the floor, brokenhearted and I don't even know why. I'm here before You, praying for only a small whisper of your thundering voice.

I don't know what's happening. I can't breathe right. I can't speak. I can't stop crying.

Speak to me father. Open my ears, open my eyes, open my heart. Teach me for I am willing to learn.

rise and shine, cold weather and jaja

School starts in exactly eight hours... but I'm so awake it's ridiculous.

I want to write. I want to dance. I want to jump up and down. I want to finish Itzel's present. I want to clean up what is left to clean up of my room. I want to... I don't know.

Today was a good day, I guess. Unexpected things happened.

The first thing was that I actually woke up early today! I even had time to read and be a while in the morning before leaving for chuch... I pretty pretty please hope that tomorrow I can wake up as chipper and bright as I woke up today.

Then it was cold. Which is like the best thing ever. I love cold weather. When you get to wear sweatshirts and scarves and your hair down (ok, so that's only me... but I get really warm with my hair down!)

Then I rested and hung out with my mom and my brothers, had sushi (I'm re-starting the apple diet tomorrow... I seriously have to be more permanent and less permisive with EVERYTHING)

Then I went to the movies and theeen home.

Then I entered an alternate universe and talked to a version of myself almost 4 years later. It was cool. (wink, wink S.W. from A but living an hour and a half from N.O....... that was me discreetly hinting and hoping you'd get the shout out)

Now I'm just writing in my blog, sitting, listening to music, about to go write in my real life journal... heh. the one which you can't read, but it's ok, this one is far more entertaining... this one I write for your reading pleasure. (not really, but I tend to think it alot more than what I write about in the other one)

OOhh! and a dear friend of mine bought me really cute pj's from A&F that I love!! Thank you Pr.
Thank you God, today was a good day.

dreams of giants

I had this sort of vision a few days ago...

I was standing in what seemed to be a wheat field... everywhere you looked, there was this amazing bright yellow wheat holding me with its glow. The wind was blowing softly but strong enough to make the wheat sway... it was like I was standing in the middle of a golden sea being caressed by the reflection of the waves.

Suddenly, right in front of me, this giant dressed in what I can only describe as a Goliath-esque armor began running towards me. His eyes, filled with a jealous zeal as he was pacing faster and faster. He held in his right hand a winnowing fork.

This giant was running, and right there, in that very moment, I knew that that giant was the Lord of hosts. And he was running in an almost complete frenzy. He was running for me...

He was defending me. He was jealously claiming my heart over. And with every sway of his winnowing fork he was making his way towards me.

As I stood there taken aback by the terrible beauty of the whole ordeal He was firmly whispering to my heart...

"I love you. With a zeal you do not understand nor do you comprehend. I want you. With an absurd passion. I desire you. With an intense devotion. You are mine... no one else's. You are mine and I am yours and I will fight for you forever."

You are beautiful

I want to tell someone that she is beautiful, but I can't. I pray God does though


...


It takes standing on the sidelines of life and watching others play to understand how life is not about you. It's about you and Him, and He's the one holding the ball. You're the one just watching, smiling, knowing He'll win you over.

When I die, I want God to tell me that I loved Him all that I could've loved Him during my time here.

I don't want to die anytime soon though.

what I did today

Today was a weird day. I had a hard time falling asleep last night, so this morning when my mom woke me up at 9 I felt like someone had hit me with a sack of potatoes on the head. Nevermind that I wanted to sleep, my brothers and I had a long-overdue breakfast date with my mom, so with all the might I could muster up I changed (three minutes before leaving the house at 10) and washed my face, brushed my teeth and proceeded to go out and eat delicious bocoles...

Then I came back home and began cleaning up my desk/drawers, since one of the walls of my room is my whole desk... it's hard to explain, but it is... so, right now everything I had in my drawers is all over my desk and I'm planning on cleaning it up later... then I saw this movie I'd been wanting to see for a while called "The squid and the whale"... the whole concept was interesting, but as much as it amuses me, it disgusts me that indie movies always have to revolve directly or very strongly in an indirect way around sex... I'm sure the world really is filled with all those things delt with in indie movies (or any other movie really)... but they don't inspire, they don't lift up... they bring you down with a smack of cruel reality and no hope to hold on to.

I want to make movies that inspire... yes, like those cheesy disni (heh, I know it's spelled disney) movies where someone has no leg and becomes amazing at something anyway... but I want to mix things up... the indie drama, the disni dreams and hopes... movies that lift up peoples souls, not bring them down.

Life is not made to be a greek tragedy. Humans were created to sing and dance, not necessesarily in a literal way, but their hearts, their hears really were made for that. Our hearts are made for that, but we're too busy thinking about ourselves that we can't realize that....

So anyway, the movie was good-bad... and then I had my last family meal at my grandmas with my cousin. She's leaving to Monterrey for college. Lots of stuff comes up on those family meals that make me realize how much I've changed in these past years and yet how much I have still to change in the next.

Then I came home, my desk-mess was still there, so I just took a shower and prayed for a while... I had this weird feeling though. I couldn't concentrate when I was reading my Bible, and I didn't really know what to say to God, so I just prayed in tounges for a while and fell asleep after a while... woke up and headed up to church for the prayer meeting.

Now I have to finish practicing my guitarl... so I'm leaving now. But I wrote! So that's good... and I took out everything that was in my car before it pilled up into a WHOLE lot of mess, so I'm glad about that.

I'm organizing my life this week, so I won't go out alot... which means I'll much likely write some more in the next few days.

So this is the new year, and I DO feel different, unlike Death Cab's lead singer

The Almighty has deeply blessed me this morning.

I woke up and this song I've been listening to non-stop for the last two days was lovingly ringing in my head... Your love will not let me go, even when I try...over and over and over again, drums beating, bass line lingering in the background, soft voices lifting up inside my room, a whirlwind of heaven.

I've been reading someone else's blog for a couple weeks now. I don't know that person, and she certainly doesn't know I check her blog daily for updates. But she's inspired me in many ways.

When I was younger, I used to lay in my bed at night and imagine how my life would be with an older sister. Never an older brother or a younger sister, always an older sister. Throughout the years the person I would imagine to be my sister kept changing. She'd always be someone who I looked up to. Someone who I had seen do something extraordinary, as extraordinary as it can be for a seven year old. She was always someone real. Someone I knew from school, or church or just around. In my fantasy she'd hold my hand as I crossed the big streets, pick me up when I fell from my bike and chase off dogs when we'd go walking around the neighborhood. But then I grew up and stopped dreaming the impossible. Years later, God remembered me, and brought to life the impossible, giving me my very own older sister... (heh)

Yet this person whose blog I read reminds me of the "older sister" I used to dream of... I care for my real sister, as real as she can be I guess, as I would a blood related sister, and she cares for me the same way. But the blog girl, it's uncanny. She's quite a fitting projection of what I spent so many hours of my nights making up. She reminds me so much of myself in a more mature and discovered way, and as I read what she writes I come to recognize many of her thoughts as my own, although processed and refined of their rough edges. A beautiful person on the inside, her meditations reflect passion for God and a desire for a deeper knowledge of Him. Only 22 and a half years old, a couple months older than my own sister actually, but her words still convey the frailty and faith of a child's heart. I wish I could meet her.

...

I won't get tired of saying it: This year is going to be a great year. Mark my words, for my God responds to the truth in them... I need to get something to eat.

Oh, and this year, I plan on writing a whole lot more than I did last year. This time for myself thought.

...

Love is strong as death, never ceasing always yearning, reaching seeking after me