Mourning Saul and Jonathan's death

I've never been in love. Real "in" love. So basically that means that I should have never suffered from a broken heart.

Up until now, other than the obvious life afflictions, you know, like issues with your parents, childhood friends undone, failing a test that really mattered, whatever crap that might have happened... I never fully understood how it felt to be broken hearted.

I've only imagined two people, one of them real and the other fictional, to have gone through this particular pain. One of them, the last James Bond in the 007 movies, the other, someone I know.

Both of them were in love and through harsh realizations had to, quite literally, let go of that relationship. Just one person from the four involved in these two stories died. And yes, it is the one in the 007 movie. But now that I understand this... this heartbreak think... all four of them could have died and it still wouldn't have mattered.

Because it doesn't matter if you die on the outside (and this right here is the part where my "exaggerate everything" tendency kicks in) you feel like you've been beaten and trampled so bad on the inside that I guess it wouldn't matter to feel anything else. Like nothing, because you are dead.

But then again I believe that when I die I'll go to heaven, so that's bound to be much better than feeling broken hearted.

So anyways, this post is my attempt at expressing what I'm not really sure I should express. But today, I felt a bullet go through my heart and come back out again.

It was not love, the type of love you could or should imagine... the kind you are "in" (love)... but it was love. It is love... and it is broken. My heart is broken.

And I'm gonna feel that a bit often from now on, and boy does that suck.

But there is a time for mourning and a time for whatever goes after that. The tricky part is forgetting. Forgetting while you're sitting in church listening to the pastor preach... while you're about to step up and play... while you're finally driving home... while you see them and go about as if nothing happened and nothing will happen... while you make your best attempt at being strong... while you're in line waiting for your movie to start...

I'll embrace the mourning, at least for a little bit. But one thing is for certain, I'm not doing what James Bond did. I'm doing what the other someone did. This will make me stronger, not more guarded. This will make me more vulnerable and not close hearted. This will make me grow and not stay in the same place half of my lifetime. This will make me get closer to God instead of further away from everyone else.

I'm really sorry I can't be more specific with all of this. It's just... not wise to do so.