Rude Awakenings

I just pulled my speaker's chord and they brutally fell on top of me... good thing is they still work fine.

On to the next subject... Today was very intense, to say the least. I'm still trying to assimilate everything that's been going on, but I can't seem to move on with myself. Procrastination meets evasion: only for a short period of time though.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how I felt that in the 15 days that have gone by this year I feel like I've lived through a whole year. Every day is like a totally different month, and I'm facing many of my realities like a shocking roll of thunder.

If I had anything logical to write, I probably would. I'm totally hiding from the fact that I have to write a paper titled "Life and career plan" for tomorrow. I had two weeks to do it, but still here I am, less than 8 hours till I have tu turn it in. But you know what? I'm afraid to plan ahead.

If I had to choose, my major self-confrontation this week has been about my future. As some of you probably know, I was planning on going to NY for the summer to intern for a film company or something like that... everything seemed according to plan, except my heart caught up with me. Now, I'm not so sure

If you promise not to tell anyone... I don't think I'm going.

You see, this week I've been confronted with who I want to be. A couple entries down, I wrote about how all my plans usually get screwed up, or how I always seem to have a plan for what I wanted to do next... this time, I'm planless...

I thought I wanted to be a film director. I idealized myself creating soul-stirring movies. I truly believed that I would find a way to reach the unreachable through subliminal messages and well-presented biblical principles.

Then my heart went back to the beginning. When I first knew God, all I wanted was to be an influential woman of God. I even asked Him to tell me what ministry He wanted me for... He answered: apostle... the modern-day-not-so-much-but-kinda missionary. I envisioned myself standing before crowds of thousands, words flowing, Spirit moving, hearts being transformed... but then I grew up and movies seemed so much more appealing to me... I know I'd be good at it. I even know God gave me so many skills and creativity for anything I'd like to do... but then again... do I want to do what I want to do? As a servant of God, am I my own? Have I not decided to surrender my rights when I said to God: 'I am yours'?

Jesus' disciples had jobs, some of them were important accountants or accomplished men in the community... but they didn't do that with their lives. Following Jesus really did take leaving everything behind...

I'm not saying that those who choose to follow a career path or even have a calling to a specific area not directly linked with the ministry are less than those who dedicate their lives to the ministry.

But what do I want of my life?

If I do go into the film industry, I will make sure to bring God glory, but indirectly it would also bring me glory... The life I had desired in my heart before, but not planned for, that life, that is the only one that would give glory only to my God.

Then I find myself sitting and thinking: who am I going to be? Who do I want to be?

And my heart says 'Give the glory to your God'... but my mind says 'you can give glory to your God not only by 'being in the ministry... why did he give you so many talents and dreams and aspirations then, if only to waste them away?'

You wanna know what? I don't know.

I really, really don't know.

I need direction. I know in my heart where I want to be. Maybe I'm afraid to admit it. Maybe I'm afraid that if I truly surrender my life I will no longer have control over it. Even though that is what I want.

So until I make up my mind... or really until my heart and my mind finally decide to agree... until then, I have no direction other than the three steps I have to take tomorrow. So, how I am I supposed to write a "life and career plan" if I have no clue where my life is heading and I don't even know if I want to have a career?

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Isn't it ironic though, that the other thing I'm learning about is enjoying the process of living a day at a time? Isn't it ironic that God is going to so much trouble to show me that I should not worry for what is to come?

remember the lilies... that's my only conclusion so far. Everything else is a white sheet of paper DYING to be written on.