Tumbling Skeptics

I painted something else on my wall today. It says "determination: firmness of purpose"

I went out with V, A and P today. A was here for the weekend, kinda, for the first time in six months. All through the night and into our conversation I was taken aback by so many realizations -things I've been having a lot of lately - but anyways. The following is my thoughts on the matter, if anyone can identify with them, fine, but don't feel offended otherwise.

A moved to another city a while back... and if you read this A, take it as somewhat of a reconciliation letter of some sorts... Even before she moved, we... more like I... pulled back. Crap happened and I just plain and simple pulled back... And I'm terribly sorry for doing that A. For being such an ass of a friend and letting go when things got ugly.

Now I'm sitting there seeing how A's heart is so many things that I've always dreamed of, and by no means am I envious of anything, at all. On the contrary, I am moved, inspired even, and I am stirred in my spirit because my perspective has been widened.

So all of these things that I had been pushing back in my heart start flowing back in like a tidal wave and I don't know what's gotten into me. And she's talking and I can see in her eyes the beauty of her heart, and I feel terrible because I didn't have the courage to believe. In her, in life... in God mostly.

We've become such terrible skeptics. Refusing to believe those things that try to move us from our tiny area of comfort. Before we know it, we're so self involved that we've already forgotten that there's actually a world out there, that we are really not that important. Listening to A talk pulled me out of my own shoes and opened my eyes again, to so many things that I, myself, was fiercely shutting my eyes to.

We've been trained to believe that what we have is always the best... or the worst (not my case, though) and we're prepared to fight for that belief whatever the cost. Our minds, so tightly wound, always finding a way to protect us from our insecurities. Even God we find a way to fit into a box. But who are we to fit such an amazing and spectacular Power into a man-made frame? Who are we to limit the capacity of the Uncreated One?

It is so easy for me to point my finger everywhere else, saying things like "she's wrong, he's right" and in a glimpse I've become what I so very much hate. And as I sit here and write, the song on the background agrees with me saying: "Save me from comfort and paper religion. Save me from my complacency. Save me from my delusions."

Reflecting on everything that happened tonight I can't help but ask myself. Have I become so selfish and egocentric that I truly think so highly of myself? Am I what Paul says on Romans 12 when he warns us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think, but to think soberly?

With such little discomfort I find myself stepping up to my soapbox proclaiming great feats, calling all attention unto me. Convincing myself that God has one plan and one way and that everyone else is wrong and no one knows what I know or sees what I see... and I am so wrong. I am so terribly and utterly wrong.

Why do I try and push God into my own small four walls?

Am I going to let Him be? Am I going to let Him be God the way I cannot comprehend nor understand? It is a risk... Letting all my paradigms fall down to the ground. It comes with letting go of the control of my life, but like I've said before, it's a risk I'm very much willing to take.

Will I believe now, that He works in ways I will never fully grasp? Will I be willing to stop looking only at myself and love others in selfless way? I have hope, as we all have hope.

I cannot let myself stop believing... in people's ability to change, to stand firm, to remain unshaken. I cannot let myself believe that there are only few crying out for the heart of the Father... it's like that prophet dude that whined to God saying that He was the only man of God left after a prophet killing, and then God told him that He was thinking too much of himself, that He had been setting aside a couple hundred men and women with a heart hungry for God... oy.

We cannot believe only for ourselves, our families, our churches and our nations. Who will believe for other people, other families, other churches and other nations if not us? (seeing as we many times barely believe in ourselves)

We cannot keep limiting God saying he can or can't do or say as He pleases, for He alone is God.