bits and pieces

Look before your eyes and wait. Wait. Wait.

It'll be here before you know it.
revolution.

transformation.

revelation.

over and over and over again.

Lost in wonder waves of silver colors
Found hidden in gentle kisses
She will. He has. We are. forever.

overcoming beauty.
shards of golden raindrops.
completion

saturation

designation: His

they used to be great

this is my week, summarized into a song...

Monday found me on my knees again, breathing You in
To blur the lines that mark where I begin and where You end
No use in trying to pretend, come take me again
Cause rumor has it I'm not who I've been,
Come define me

What can we do if the rumors are true?

I turn everything over... I turn myself in
I turn everything over... I turn myself in
There's nothing left of me to defend
I turn everything over... I turn myself in

The evidence convicts the hollow man, after looking inside
To my dismay I find I'm just one of them
Cause I'm an already but not yet resurrected fallen man, come break this limbo
And I know You know just who I've been,
Come define me

What can we do if the rumors are true?

I turn everything over...

Rumor has it You love me
Rumor has it the world spins upside down
Rumor has it my only hope is You
And the rumors are true
I turn everything over [to You]


then there's this "wooo hooo hooo hooo hoooo" in the song that just about makes my day.

- I Turn Everything Over, Switchfoot

overwhelmed

overwhelm: bury or drown beneath a huge mass...

as of this moment, there is one prayer lingering in my heart: that my eyes would behold You in all of Your beauty., and that my eyes would behold You in all of your glory... Lord come and awaken my heart; inflame my desire for You.

You told me tonight that You found my worship beautiful... you whispered to my ears that You find me beautiful... and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the fact that You love me. Just as I am.

I want to find You. Everywhere I go. I've said it before, Father, but I'll say it forever: I want to say with all my heart that You are my Father in whose presence I abide.

Let me see Your face, let me hear Your voice. You are the one I love and I will seek You forever.

I want but to sit at your feet gazing at your fiery eyes, melting away in the flames of Your passion.

gaze: look steadily and intently, especially in admiration, surprise, or though. [in sing. ] (in literary theory) a particular perspective taken to embody certain aspects of the relationship between observer and observed.

Between Lover and loved. Between You and me.

My heart hurts because I know I have to let go of myself. You've been taking me gently to a point in which the only next step is to turn everything over, and I want to see You and behold You, so I'll do anything.

I lift my eyes up to the heavens and my heart stretches out to You. Father, Son, Spirit of God.

One thing I desire in my heart and that will I seek: to abide in Your presence, Lord all the days of my life. FOREVER

and that huge mass that is burying me? It's His love, forever mine, although I most assuredly do not deserve it. But He doesn't care that I don't deserve it, so why would I?

(It is a season of change, of transformation. It is time to love=live)

I just had to

Someone I love wrote again tonight... well, more like they wrote and let me see again tonight. I'm always amazed by that persons writing, and I'm also amazed at the fact that she called me to my house phone and I did not listen to it ring at all! And I wasn't even asleep asleep (o so I though) I mean, I had just gotten to bed like 10 minutes earlier... that probably means I was really tired. But here I am, again: writing at almost 1 in the morning. How beautiful it is, to be inspired even in the darkness. How much I'd love to be so in my spirit.

So... I've come to deep realizations about myself these past days. First of all, as it turns out, I am NOT in control of my life... and as weird as it is to realize that what you always thought would be in your hands really isn't in your hands at all, it is also somewhat amazing, that something as important as a human beings life is being taken cared of by their One and Only Creator.

Father, may I never look away from You. Ever.

I'm trying to decide if I should tell you about this. You see I'm about to embark into a profound journey into my Lover's heart... this time, I'm figuring out how beautiful he made me, and trough that, I'm going to learn how to love me. And for that, I plan on writing these articles, every week or so, in which I speak of myself in third person, and just about praise me for whatever it is I've done right during the week...

The issue here is that as it turns out, I am very demanding with myself. I have great expectations of what I should be doing, or not doing, and I spend all my time and energy making sure I do things right. So when I don't, I usually get all over me and I unconsciously find ways to "hurt" or "punish" myself... like if I told myself I didn't deserve the things He gives me every day... so, because of that, I am going to write that column.

It's going to be my healing column... and I'll probably post it up here just because it makes it much more challenging to have people read it...

one last thought for the day, copied from the song I've been listening to lately: Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze I become more like You and my heart is changed, and as You fill my view transform me into the likeness of You.

This year, I have to say this again: will be a good year. A great year. A year for change, a year to establish, to lay down foundations... a year to step up to the plate and begin to play

boogie wonderland

my creative header skills are low this morning... ehh, whatever

It's tomorrow morning (from when I wrote the last post) and the runny nose has turned into a clogged nose... with a little bit of runny... *in a preachery voice* Sooo let us praaay, brothers, for I caaannoooot staaand runny noses. I want to sing and pray out loud, but my voice does not want to with me. so yes, let us praaay, pray against my stupid cold... (that last part was more me than the preachery voice. heh)

I think this is the first day out of the past 30 that I don't have my day all planned out... I have so much to do though that I have to start planning right about.... now! so yeah, I have 2 exams tomorrow and I don't have the copies to study, so I have to get those. Then... um... I think that's all I have to do really, so I can relax a bit today. I was going to go to my singing class, but I can't because I can't breathe right because of my nose (so right this moment, I'm calling my teacher to set up another time this week, because I didn't go last time... but he didn't answer)

I want to watch a movie, or something nice and relaxing. ooh, I saw a different episode of laguna beach last night, it was cool. Heh. They all went down to "Cabo", but the funny thing was, unlike the past 2 seasons, these guys went with their parents! I guess the parents saw the other seasons and didn't want those things going on this time... heh, party poopers! (I'm kidding)

So, to all who read this: have a good morning! If you read it at a different time, which you probably will: have a great *insert whatever period of the day you want here* and enjoy!

Later

nose crying

I cried so hard last night that when I finished I had a very intense runny nose... so intense, it's still runny right now... so intense, that i can't tell when my mucus (ew, I'm sorry) has left my nose and is gushing towards my lips... so intense, that it makes me cry... for real, like I can't make it stop, my eyes are all watery and I'm sneezing like five times every half hour and tears are just rolling down my cheeks and I'm not even sad or anything. Ugh I feel like a broken faucet... so much for "feeling" my emotions

dear one,

When I look at you all I want is good things to happen in your life. When I see you smile I believe that God really has made something amazing. I hear of stories of fantasic places, but they are all inside your heart. I wish I could take a peek inside sometimes. I know I've seen a thing or two. But there's so much more I'd love to travel. The roads your imagination has paved through the universe, so much filled with grace and understading. Overflowing with love, and passion.

I pray I can care for you forever.

sincerely,

two

pay no attention to what's written in this entry, it's just me being immature and stupid

I'm so sick of waiting for everyone else to do what they are supposed to khaahkgñbdsgñbfgawbgwa do!

I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. It's killing my nerves and it's frustrating me.

GOD! I'm so frustrated! I want to smack the hell out of my computer, or anything else near my smacking range.... that, or scream. But it's late, so I can't scream, and I can't smack anything because the last time I hit something while in an anger fit I bruised one of my toes so bad I limped for like a week.

When I finally had all the doors open around me, I made my decision. Then it all began to close down on me so fast I didn't know what hit me.

Why on earth would I be guided into finally deciding, and believing that things were ok, just to be messed over?

This is probably so wrong, but I still feel it all inside of me. Today I felt like a two year old. Well, maybe more like a 10 year old. Making a fuss over the stupidest thing. Getting mad for the most insignificant issue. Being a general ass, really.

And all for what? just for the freaking realization that I am not in control of my life. And why would I be, if I decided I was turning over my control to my Father? Oh but no. I had to realize it the hard way. The hit-you-square-in-the-face way.

I'm so over it. That's it for today, I have to go bawl the rest of it out to my Dad.

I hope I wake up in the morning

It's always much more appealing at one in the morning than at three in the afternoon, don't you think?

As my eyelids are barely holding up, I try my best to speak... more like write... the words gushing through my heart. Klaus Kuehn in the background, a new sound for a new journey to come. Isn't God beautiful?

I recently discovered someone I didn't think knew something about me really does know it... I'm not sure, but I think I actually wrote about that before. I re-discovered it today and was blown away by it. It makes me uneasy to write about it, like never before... so this is all you'll get from me on this subject. I just wanted to throw it in the air.

"There are defining moments in each persons life that prove to confirm his or her God-given calling, purpose and destiny. Along life journeys one might encounter a bountiful mixture of truth and temptation, joy and sorrow, blessings and trials. And somewhere in all these experiences comes a distinguished moment that settles forever that one thing God has called them to do... With each of us its the journey, the life experiences that lead up to that particular moment that the Lord so aptly uses to solidify, once and for all, for which your life has been destined for... Change comes in varied forms. We embrace joyous seasons whole-heartedly, but it is in sorrows that our faith is tried and our endurance is tested." Klaus Kuehn

Oy...

It's upon these kinds of realizations that I am left kneeling before my God crying out to His heart 'Abba Father'. For He is the only one I need, and He's the one guiding me.

couldn't wait

I haven't really reaaally written in the past 5 days so I'm getting all antsy about it.

Truth is, I've been busy. But today I didn't go to school because I felt kind of sick in the morning, and it was so cold I didn't even want to try. So here I am, sitting at... nope, I won't tell you where... about to go downstairs and have breakfast. On a good note, I've FINALLY been able to stick to my diet for a day and a half. (HA!) You see, that just made me sound very un-able to do something like diet for more than two days, but the fact is that I was very much able to for six months, and I lost almost 18 lbs (8 kg) but then crap happened and all that I had achieved during those six months went to... wherever... during the next year and a half. So now. I'm on a mission! Since I am most probably going to NY this summer (I already decided I was going to go, I'm just waiting for my last permission) (I was going to wait and tell you about it until I knew for sure, but I like to spoil surprises... here at least) ok, so I was saying: since I am most probably going to NY this summer, I MUST loose those horrible 18 lbs that I gained... Ohh, you want to know something? I don't know if I really did gain 18 lbs again, I've been to afraid to weight myself (that, and the fact that my scale broke... heh) ohh, and another good thing: those 18 lbs I gained again? apparently they went somewhere where they were never before, because all my clothes? (well most of them anyways) still fit me... All of them except my fancy clothes... and since I'm having a really important wedding in July, I really must look top notch.

So, enough about weight and clothes... I had been busy. Still am actually, I'm just resting for half an hour more, and then I'll get to it. I was going to work all night long, but my stomach hurt like someone was pounding it from the inside. Then I sort of fell asleep in my mom's room, and she had to guide me to my own room, half asleep, at 1:30 in the morning. I never knew what happened.

Omg, I can't sit here anymore. I'm gonna go eat my very much diet-y egg whites and cottage cheese (I heart cottage cheese, so diet is good on me)



--- I hate that I always misspell "surprise" and write "suprise"... whoever taught me that should be grounded! thank God for spell check.

thought of the day

My spirit melts down every time I listen to anyone strum a few chords. (anyone good at it)

I pray my husband can play an instrument... any instrument would be good. But a guitar, that would be amazing.

In spanish y en ingles, you tell me.

A: Le encargo una coca porfavor.

Mesero: ¿Una coca light?

A: No, una normal.

Mesero, con cara total de qué diantres: ¿¡normal!?

A: (silencio)

a los pocos segundos después, todavía no segura de que estaba ofendida: "Sí... ¿por qué ehhhh?"

Todos los demás en la mesa: ¡Jajajajaja!

IN ENGLISH!

A: Can I have a coke, please?

Waiter: A diet coke?

A: No, regular.

Waiter, absolutley puzzled: Regular?

A: (silence)

a few seconds later, still not sure if she was supposed to be offended: "Yes... but why?"

Everybody else at the table: Hahahaha! (unlike the beaner laugh in spanish... jeje)

despierto, y AUN estoy contigo

Someone said I was a walking contradiction... no, that's not true... there was once a prince, who fell in love with a servant woman. He told her that she was a walking contradiction. But I feel like that sometimes.

V got her acceptance email from NY today. That means that now there is an actual decision to make. To go or not to go, that is the question... talking with V though, trying to figure out the whole situation she told me "ugh, we are two very complicated people"... and yes. She has a point there.

My sister asked me tonight what I was thinking about. She had been talking for quite a while, saying things I assume only her complicated mind can fashion, then she entered into a detailed description of things that had happened in her heart over some time away. It got me thinking... again.

About making the right decisions. About growing. About facing life and facing reality. About love and about fighting.

I want to write more, but I'm afraid it would all be vain writing. The issues in my heart are not in order, and going over them in writing would just be giving them permission to take over.

One thing I know... I'll rise up. For the Lord, He is my maker, my creator. He holds me in the palm of His hand.

He has searched me and known me. He understands me. He hedges me behind and before and his hand is laid upon me. I cannot get away from His Spirit. I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

and tomorrow, when I awake, I will still be with You. I am. Forever, still with You.

Life and Career Plan

(to understand the motive and reasoning behind this post, read previous post)

I finished it... sorry it's not in english for those who cannot read spanish. But I thought it would be nice to post it.

"Plan de vida y carrera"

Quisiera poder escribir aqui que tengo toda mi vida planeada y que la carrera que estoy estudiando tiene que ver en realidad con la carrera que quiero perseguir con mi vida. Pero no puedo, porque este ultimo mes al parecer me quedé sin planes.

Sin embargo, ¿quiere saber si tengo planes? Sí, de alguna manera sí los tengo.

Lo primero que quiero, anticipando cualquier esceptisicmo, es lo que Dios quiera.

Antes de continuar... también puedo sentarme aquí a escribir que quisiera ser escritora, directora de cine, periodista, todo menos algo que vaya a involucrar más de un 30% de tiempo sentada en un escritorio haciendo trabajo metódico y tedioso (a mi juicio personal). Le podría decir incluso en qué escuela quería estudiar. Que para ser escritora planeaba tomar cursos en los veranos, y después tal vez entrar en una maestria de desarrollo de la escritura. Que para ser directora de cine me iría a estudiar a Nueva York terminado la carrera, que todos los veranos buscaría la manera de aprender más de eso y que incluso desarrollaría mis propios proyectos en el proceso. Que para ser periodista me iría a Northeastern University en Chicago o a Emerson College en Boston... Pero hacer eso sería volver a empezar a desarrollar planes que pronto terminarían en ser solamente eso: planes.

Por el momento sé qué estoy haciendo y también sé que planeo hacerlo bien. Terminar mi carrera de mercadotecnia, aprender lo necesario para emprender un negocio de cualquier tipo, por si es necesario en un futuro. También sé que mi "carrera profesional" no es mi prioridad. Mi prioridad está en la voluntad de Dios para mi vida, y mi confianza está en que Dios me va a dirigir en ella.

¿Qué si le explico cómo está eso? No puedo muy bien, apenas estoy aprendiendo a entenderlo yo misma. Una cosa sí le puedo decir: mi vida no está en mis manos y he decidido cederle los derechos de mi futuro a mi Dios.

Otra cosa le puedo decir: lo que hago y lo que haga, lo voy a hacer bien. Lo voy a hacer tan bien que nadie va a poder decirme que lo que estoy haciendo no es lo que debería de estar haciendo. Y lo voy a disfrutar tanto que cualquiera que me vea va a querer saber qué estoy haciendo, por qué y cómo. Ese, ese sí es mi plan de vida y carrera. En resumidas cuentas, claro.


now. I'm going out on a limb here (i heart that expression) by turning that in... lets see how my very much career oriented teacher will react to my earnest confessions...

Rude Awakenings

I just pulled my speaker's chord and they brutally fell on top of me... good thing is they still work fine.

On to the next subject... Today was very intense, to say the least. I'm still trying to assimilate everything that's been going on, but I can't seem to move on with myself. Procrastination meets evasion: only for a short period of time though.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how I felt that in the 15 days that have gone by this year I feel like I've lived through a whole year. Every day is like a totally different month, and I'm facing many of my realities like a shocking roll of thunder.

If I had anything logical to write, I probably would. I'm totally hiding from the fact that I have to write a paper titled "Life and career plan" for tomorrow. I had two weeks to do it, but still here I am, less than 8 hours till I have tu turn it in. But you know what? I'm afraid to plan ahead.

If I had to choose, my major self-confrontation this week has been about my future. As some of you probably know, I was planning on going to NY for the summer to intern for a film company or something like that... everything seemed according to plan, except my heart caught up with me. Now, I'm not so sure

If you promise not to tell anyone... I don't think I'm going.

You see, this week I've been confronted with who I want to be. A couple entries down, I wrote about how all my plans usually get screwed up, or how I always seem to have a plan for what I wanted to do next... this time, I'm planless...

I thought I wanted to be a film director. I idealized myself creating soul-stirring movies. I truly believed that I would find a way to reach the unreachable through subliminal messages and well-presented biblical principles.

Then my heart went back to the beginning. When I first knew God, all I wanted was to be an influential woman of God. I even asked Him to tell me what ministry He wanted me for... He answered: apostle... the modern-day-not-so-much-but-kinda missionary. I envisioned myself standing before crowds of thousands, words flowing, Spirit moving, hearts being transformed... but then I grew up and movies seemed so much more appealing to me... I know I'd be good at it. I even know God gave me so many skills and creativity for anything I'd like to do... but then again... do I want to do what I want to do? As a servant of God, am I my own? Have I not decided to surrender my rights when I said to God: 'I am yours'?

Jesus' disciples had jobs, some of them were important accountants or accomplished men in the community... but they didn't do that with their lives. Following Jesus really did take leaving everything behind...

I'm not saying that those who choose to follow a career path or even have a calling to a specific area not directly linked with the ministry are less than those who dedicate their lives to the ministry.

But what do I want of my life?

If I do go into the film industry, I will make sure to bring God glory, but indirectly it would also bring me glory... The life I had desired in my heart before, but not planned for, that life, that is the only one that would give glory only to my God.

Then I find myself sitting and thinking: who am I going to be? Who do I want to be?

And my heart says 'Give the glory to your God'... but my mind says 'you can give glory to your God not only by 'being in the ministry... why did he give you so many talents and dreams and aspirations then, if only to waste them away?'

You wanna know what? I don't know.

I really, really don't know.

I need direction. I know in my heart where I want to be. Maybe I'm afraid to admit it. Maybe I'm afraid that if I truly surrender my life I will no longer have control over it. Even though that is what I want.

So until I make up my mind... or really until my heart and my mind finally decide to agree... until then, I have no direction other than the three steps I have to take tomorrow. So, how I am I supposed to write a "life and career plan" if I have no clue where my life is heading and I don't even know if I want to have a career?

----

Isn't it ironic though, that the other thing I'm learning about is enjoying the process of living a day at a time? Isn't it ironic that God is going to so much trouble to show me that I should not worry for what is to come?

remember the lilies... that's my only conclusion so far. Everything else is a white sheet of paper DYING to be written on.

girl, interrupted

don't you think?

photo

The guiltiest guilty pleasure: Laguna Beach

I watched season 1 religiously, season 2 not so much and frankly, season 3 basically sucks. Bad habits die-hard though, because I'm sitting in my mom's bedroom after eating sushi watching repeats of season 3 episodes.

The greatest thing about a laptop is that when a song you like comes on tv you can google it immediately and download it. Ah the magic of music.

There's this movie I'm going to watch in my photography class about a percussionist who is deaf. How incredible is that! Oh and also, we're watching another movie about a blind photographer. There definitely has to be something to learn about that.

Yesterday was my first photography class. It was good. But there's so much out there that I have no clue how I'm going to manage to keep my heart clean.

You see, the thing about photography, good photography at least, is that it tells you something. A good photograph has the power to touch your soul because it tells you something. Most photographers, most artists in general (I'm going out on a limb here, I'm generalizing, mostly speaking of mainstream artist) are people with an obscure past. They are hurting souls and their outlet, their inlet really... if there's even something called like that... is through their art. They can't touch their emotions because it would drive them crazy, so instead they create art and eventually end up crazy too... avoiding their broken hearts and desperate spirits.

People like their art because their own spirits recognize the spirit behind the piece of art, but ignorant to the spiritual world around us, they don't know it... be it a photography, a sculpture, painting, whatever. So it's hard for me to see pictures like those of Sally Mann for example, an amazing photographer I was introduced to yesterday and not be stirred inside, and not precisely in a good way. The photo I saw was of this girl, a young 10-year-old maybe, holding what appears to be a cigarette. Her eyes scream out to the world, asking why she had to grow up so soon, why she's being corrupted by those who should love her. Her sister on the side, her back to us, seems to be saying "whatever, it is what it is" and with detachment stares at her brother, climbing up on his own way on blurry stilts.

When I take pictures I want the Spirit of God to flow through me. I don't want nostalgic pictures that carry an air of bittersweet memories. I want love, passion, joy, mercy, grace, glory and power to flow through them. I want everything I do to overflow that.

It's amazing. Our God is amazing. My God is amazing. And I can't conceive a life without Him. And looking at those pictures, shattered pieces of people’s hearts splatter over my eyes while one by one I analyze the discourse behind it. And I truly wonder how on earth anyone can live without Him. I mean, life is as hard as it can be sometimes and I know better.

To touch Him, to be near Him, to know He' standing over you. Who can offer anything better than that? (Am I good at getting sidetracked or what?)

That's all on my mind right now, but I'm gonna stop now because my laptop's battery is almost over.

random thoughs about everything

zeal: great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective

Crying. Lying on the floor, beside my nightstand a sharp coal.
Take it and write upon the double stones.
I cannot see for it hurts even though it shouldn't.


I love many people, but I really truly belive I'd give my life in a heartbeat (literally) for only two of them (the rest I could think about ;) heh). One of them hurt tonight and I felt like my heart was being torn into pieces with every teardrop. Sometimes I just want to hold her hand and breathe out "It'll be ok", but it won't really matter. True comfort will come from the only One whose breath restores the living. I'm still here either way, and I hope that stands for something.

How it is, to wish to give something to those that have given you everything. We'll just cross our fingers expecting they'll get back at least a trace of what they've let go.

moment

I'm sitting here trying to eat a weird diet muffin without leaving crumbs all over my desk/floor/room/clothes... and I am failing miserably. I should be doing something else right now, so I'll just leave you with the knowledge that you can not eat a muffin without crumbing up everything around you. But man, was that a good muffin!

To the living

This is for all my X-Men brothers and sisters. All of us, strangers in this land, who living among the dead walk by the power that defeated death forever.

This is us.