Rude Awakenings

I just pulled my speaker's chord and they brutally fell on top of me... good thing is they still work fine.

On to the next subject... Today was very intense, to say the least. I'm still trying to assimilate everything that's been going on, but I can't seem to move on with myself. Procrastination meets evasion: only for a short period of time though.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how I felt that in the 15 days that have gone by this year I feel like I've lived through a whole year. Every day is like a totally different month, and I'm facing many of my realities like a shocking roll of thunder.

If I had anything logical to write, I probably would. I'm totally hiding from the fact that I have to write a paper titled "Life and career plan" for tomorrow. I had two weeks to do it, but still here I am, less than 8 hours till I have tu turn it in. But you know what? I'm afraid to plan ahead.

If I had to choose, my major self-confrontation this week has been about my future. As some of you probably know, I was planning on going to NY for the summer to intern for a film company or something like that... everything seemed according to plan, except my heart caught up with me. Now, I'm not so sure

If you promise not to tell anyone... I don't think I'm going.

You see, this week I've been confronted with who I want to be. A couple entries down, I wrote about how all my plans usually get screwed up, or how I always seem to have a plan for what I wanted to do next... this time, I'm planless...

I thought I wanted to be a film director. I idealized myself creating soul-stirring movies. I truly believed that I would find a way to reach the unreachable through subliminal messages and well-presented biblical principles.

Then my heart went back to the beginning. When I first knew God, all I wanted was to be an influential woman of God. I even asked Him to tell me what ministry He wanted me for... He answered: apostle... the modern-day-not-so-much-but-kinda missionary. I envisioned myself standing before crowds of thousands, words flowing, Spirit moving, hearts being transformed... but then I grew up and movies seemed so much more appealing to me... I know I'd be good at it. I even know God gave me so many skills and creativity for anything I'd like to do... but then again... do I want to do what I want to do? As a servant of God, am I my own? Have I not decided to surrender my rights when I said to God: 'I am yours'?

Jesus' disciples had jobs, some of them were important accountants or accomplished men in the community... but they didn't do that with their lives. Following Jesus really did take leaving everything behind...

I'm not saying that those who choose to follow a career path or even have a calling to a specific area not directly linked with the ministry are less than those who dedicate their lives to the ministry.

But what do I want of my life?

If I do go into the film industry, I will make sure to bring God glory, but indirectly it would also bring me glory... The life I had desired in my heart before, but not planned for, that life, that is the only one that would give glory only to my God.

Then I find myself sitting and thinking: who am I going to be? Who do I want to be?

And my heart says 'Give the glory to your God'... but my mind says 'you can give glory to your God not only by 'being in the ministry... why did he give you so many talents and dreams and aspirations then, if only to waste them away?'

You wanna know what? I don't know.

I really, really don't know.

I need direction. I know in my heart where I want to be. Maybe I'm afraid to admit it. Maybe I'm afraid that if I truly surrender my life I will no longer have control over it. Even though that is what I want.

So until I make up my mind... or really until my heart and my mind finally decide to agree... until then, I have no direction other than the three steps I have to take tomorrow. So, how I am I supposed to write a "life and career plan" if I have no clue where my life is heading and I don't even know if I want to have a career?

----

Isn't it ironic though, that the other thing I'm learning about is enjoying the process of living a day at a time? Isn't it ironic that God is going to so much trouble to show me that I should not worry for what is to come?

remember the lilies... that's my only conclusion so far. Everything else is a white sheet of paper DYING to be written on.

girl, interrupted

don't you think?

photo

The guiltiest guilty pleasure: Laguna Beach

I watched season 1 religiously, season 2 not so much and frankly, season 3 basically sucks. Bad habits die-hard though, because I'm sitting in my mom's bedroom after eating sushi watching repeats of season 3 episodes.

The greatest thing about a laptop is that when a song you like comes on tv you can google it immediately and download it. Ah the magic of music.

There's this movie I'm going to watch in my photography class about a percussionist who is deaf. How incredible is that! Oh and also, we're watching another movie about a blind photographer. There definitely has to be something to learn about that.

Yesterday was my first photography class. It was good. But there's so much out there that I have no clue how I'm going to manage to keep my heart clean.

You see, the thing about photography, good photography at least, is that it tells you something. A good photograph has the power to touch your soul because it tells you something. Most photographers, most artists in general (I'm going out on a limb here, I'm generalizing, mostly speaking of mainstream artist) are people with an obscure past. They are hurting souls and their outlet, their inlet really... if there's even something called like that... is through their art. They can't touch their emotions because it would drive them crazy, so instead they create art and eventually end up crazy too... avoiding their broken hearts and desperate spirits.

People like their art because their own spirits recognize the spirit behind the piece of art, but ignorant to the spiritual world around us, they don't know it... be it a photography, a sculpture, painting, whatever. So it's hard for me to see pictures like those of Sally Mann for example, an amazing photographer I was introduced to yesterday and not be stirred inside, and not precisely in a good way. The photo I saw was of this girl, a young 10-year-old maybe, holding what appears to be a cigarette. Her eyes scream out to the world, asking why she had to grow up so soon, why she's being corrupted by those who should love her. Her sister on the side, her back to us, seems to be saying "whatever, it is what it is" and with detachment stares at her brother, climbing up on his own way on blurry stilts.

When I take pictures I want the Spirit of God to flow through me. I don't want nostalgic pictures that carry an air of bittersweet memories. I want love, passion, joy, mercy, grace, glory and power to flow through them. I want everything I do to overflow that.

It's amazing. Our God is amazing. My God is amazing. And I can't conceive a life without Him. And looking at those pictures, shattered pieces of people’s hearts splatter over my eyes while one by one I analyze the discourse behind it. And I truly wonder how on earth anyone can live without Him. I mean, life is as hard as it can be sometimes and I know better.

To touch Him, to be near Him, to know He' standing over you. Who can offer anything better than that? (Am I good at getting sidetracked or what?)

That's all on my mind right now, but I'm gonna stop now because my laptop's battery is almost over.

random thoughs about everything

zeal: great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective

Crying. Lying on the floor, beside my nightstand a sharp coal.
Take it and write upon the double stones.
I cannot see for it hurts even though it shouldn't.


I love many people, but I really truly belive I'd give my life in a heartbeat (literally) for only two of them (the rest I could think about ;) heh). One of them hurt tonight and I felt like my heart was being torn into pieces with every teardrop. Sometimes I just want to hold her hand and breathe out "It'll be ok", but it won't really matter. True comfort will come from the only One whose breath restores the living. I'm still here either way, and I hope that stands for something.

How it is, to wish to give something to those that have given you everything. We'll just cross our fingers expecting they'll get back at least a trace of what they've let go.

moment

I'm sitting here trying to eat a weird diet muffin without leaving crumbs all over my desk/floor/room/clothes... and I am failing miserably. I should be doing something else right now, so I'll just leave you with the knowledge that you can not eat a muffin without crumbing up everything around you. But man, was that a good muffin!

To the living

This is for all my X-Men brothers and sisters. All of us, strangers in this land, who living among the dead walk by the power that defeated death forever.

This is us.

Falling Up

Where is the line between being moved in your emotions and being moved in your spirit?

I fear in my heart that sometimes I might only be seeking for emotions when my God longs for a spiritual worship.

There's something in my heart right now that I can hardly explain. I want to, and I'm trying so hard to, but I just can't seem to find the words.

Daddy, I need to need You...
I need to want You. Otherwise I can't go on.
I need to know that the one thing, the only thing that my heart desires and longs for with every breathing moment is You and only You.

I can't be just one more. I need to get there. There's so many things and options and it's all so overwhelming. I know I need to run to you but I seem to have forgotten how to use my legs.

So I'm laying here on the floor, brokenhearted and I don't even know why. I'm here before You, praying for only a small whisper of your thundering voice.

I don't know what's happening. I can't breathe right. I can't speak. I can't stop crying.

Speak to me father. Open my ears, open my eyes, open my heart. Teach me for I am willing to learn.

rise and shine, cold weather and jaja

School starts in exactly eight hours... but I'm so awake it's ridiculous.

I want to write. I want to dance. I want to jump up and down. I want to finish Itzel's present. I want to clean up what is left to clean up of my room. I want to... I don't know.

Today was a good day, I guess. Unexpected things happened.

The first thing was that I actually woke up early today! I even had time to read and be a while in the morning before leaving for chuch... I pretty pretty please hope that tomorrow I can wake up as chipper and bright as I woke up today.

Then it was cold. Which is like the best thing ever. I love cold weather. When you get to wear sweatshirts and scarves and your hair down (ok, so that's only me... but I get really warm with my hair down!)

Then I rested and hung out with my mom and my brothers, had sushi (I'm re-starting the apple diet tomorrow... I seriously have to be more permanent and less permisive with EVERYTHING)

Then I went to the movies and theeen home.

Then I entered an alternate universe and talked to a version of myself almost 4 years later. It was cool. (wink, wink S.W. from A but living an hour and a half from N.O....... that was me discreetly hinting and hoping you'd get the shout out)

Now I'm just writing in my blog, sitting, listening to music, about to go write in my real life journal... heh. the one which you can't read, but it's ok, this one is far more entertaining... this one I write for your reading pleasure. (not really, but I tend to think it alot more than what I write about in the other one)

OOhh! and a dear friend of mine bought me really cute pj's from A&F that I love!! Thank you Pr.
Thank you God, today was a good day.

dreams of giants

I had this sort of vision a few days ago...

I was standing in what seemed to be a wheat field... everywhere you looked, there was this amazing bright yellow wheat holding me with its glow. The wind was blowing softly but strong enough to make the wheat sway... it was like I was standing in the middle of a golden sea being caressed by the reflection of the waves.

Suddenly, right in front of me, this giant dressed in what I can only describe as a Goliath-esque armor began running towards me. His eyes, filled with a jealous zeal as he was pacing faster and faster. He held in his right hand a winnowing fork.

This giant was running, and right there, in that very moment, I knew that that giant was the Lord of hosts. And he was running in an almost complete frenzy. He was running for me...

He was defending me. He was jealously claiming my heart over. And with every sway of his winnowing fork he was making his way towards me.

As I stood there taken aback by the terrible beauty of the whole ordeal He was firmly whispering to my heart...

"I love you. With a zeal you do not understand nor do you comprehend. I want you. With an absurd passion. I desire you. With an intense devotion. You are mine... no one else's. You are mine and I am yours and I will fight for you forever."

You are beautiful

I want to tell someone that she is beautiful, but I can't. I pray God does though


...


It takes standing on the sidelines of life and watching others play to understand how life is not about you. It's about you and Him, and He's the one holding the ball. You're the one just watching, smiling, knowing He'll win you over.

When I die, I want God to tell me that I loved Him all that I could've loved Him during my time here.

I don't want to die anytime soon though.

what I did today

Today was a weird day. I had a hard time falling asleep last night, so this morning when my mom woke me up at 9 I felt like someone had hit me with a sack of potatoes on the head. Nevermind that I wanted to sleep, my brothers and I had a long-overdue breakfast date with my mom, so with all the might I could muster up I changed (three minutes before leaving the house at 10) and washed my face, brushed my teeth and proceeded to go out and eat delicious bocoles...

Then I came back home and began cleaning up my desk/drawers, since one of the walls of my room is my whole desk... it's hard to explain, but it is... so, right now everything I had in my drawers is all over my desk and I'm planning on cleaning it up later... then I saw this movie I'd been wanting to see for a while called "The squid and the whale"... the whole concept was interesting, but as much as it amuses me, it disgusts me that indie movies always have to revolve directly or very strongly in an indirect way around sex... I'm sure the world really is filled with all those things delt with in indie movies (or any other movie really)... but they don't inspire, they don't lift up... they bring you down with a smack of cruel reality and no hope to hold on to.

I want to make movies that inspire... yes, like those cheesy disni (heh, I know it's spelled disney) movies where someone has no leg and becomes amazing at something anyway... but I want to mix things up... the indie drama, the disni dreams and hopes... movies that lift up peoples souls, not bring them down.

Life is not made to be a greek tragedy. Humans were created to sing and dance, not necessesarily in a literal way, but their hearts, their hears really were made for that. Our hearts are made for that, but we're too busy thinking about ourselves that we can't realize that....

So anyway, the movie was good-bad... and then I had my last family meal at my grandmas with my cousin. She's leaving to Monterrey for college. Lots of stuff comes up on those family meals that make me realize how much I've changed in these past years and yet how much I have still to change in the next.

Then I came home, my desk-mess was still there, so I just took a shower and prayed for a while... I had this weird feeling though. I couldn't concentrate when I was reading my Bible, and I didn't really know what to say to God, so I just prayed in tounges for a while and fell asleep after a while... woke up and headed up to church for the prayer meeting.

Now I have to finish practicing my guitarl... so I'm leaving now. But I wrote! So that's good... and I took out everything that was in my car before it pilled up into a WHOLE lot of mess, so I'm glad about that.

I'm organizing my life this week, so I won't go out alot... which means I'll much likely write some more in the next few days.

So this is the new year, and I DO feel different, unlike Death Cab's lead singer

The Almighty has deeply blessed me this morning.

I woke up and this song I've been listening to non-stop for the last two days was lovingly ringing in my head... Your love will not let me go, even when I try...over and over and over again, drums beating, bass line lingering in the background, soft voices lifting up inside my room, a whirlwind of heaven.

I've been reading someone else's blog for a couple weeks now. I don't know that person, and she certainly doesn't know I check her blog daily for updates. But she's inspired me in many ways.

When I was younger, I used to lay in my bed at night and imagine how my life would be with an older sister. Never an older brother or a younger sister, always an older sister. Throughout the years the person I would imagine to be my sister kept changing. She'd always be someone who I looked up to. Someone who I had seen do something extraordinary, as extraordinary as it can be for a seven year old. She was always someone real. Someone I knew from school, or church or just around. In my fantasy she'd hold my hand as I crossed the big streets, pick me up when I fell from my bike and chase off dogs when we'd go walking around the neighborhood. But then I grew up and stopped dreaming the impossible. Years later, God remembered me, and brought to life the impossible, giving me my very own older sister... (heh)

Yet this person whose blog I read reminds me of the "older sister" I used to dream of... I care for my real sister, as real as she can be I guess, as I would a blood related sister, and she cares for me the same way. But the blog girl, it's uncanny. She's quite a fitting projection of what I spent so many hours of my nights making up. She reminds me so much of myself in a more mature and discovered way, and as I read what she writes I come to recognize many of her thoughts as my own, although processed and refined of their rough edges. A beautiful person on the inside, her meditations reflect passion for God and a desire for a deeper knowledge of Him. Only 22 and a half years old, a couple months older than my own sister actually, but her words still convey the frailty and faith of a child's heart. I wish I could meet her.

...

I won't get tired of saying it: This year is going to be a great year. Mark my words, for my God responds to the truth in them... I need to get something to eat.

Oh, and this year, I plan on writing a whole lot more than I did last year. This time for myself thought.

...

Love is strong as death, never ceasing always yearning, reaching seeking after me

multiple ramblings

Most of the time I have no clue as to where I'm going. It frustrates me, not knowing where I'm heading to. Troughout my life I've always had a plan. In any given time of my life, if you sat down with me and asked me about my future, I could very well spend the next three hours telling you how I was going to:

(not in a particular chronological order)
- Stop Eve from eating the apple and visit Jonas inside the whale... all with the help of a time machine I was convinced I would be able to invent
- Be an embassador in the UN and finally allow world peace to happen
- Be a novelist and write the next all-american/mexican novel
- Be a journalist and win two million pulitzer prizes
- Be a filmmaker and screen my movie at sundance, and who knows? maybe win an oscar
- Be a lawyer and defend the defendless
- Be an architect and build the eight wonder of the world
- Be a kindergarden teacher and shape really young minds
- Be a college professor and shape not so young minds
- Give the weather report and know how to use a barometer
- Broadcast the news and win everyone over with my personality
- Edit a newspaper and a magazine, because I'm cool like that
- Be a photographer and actually have money because of it
- Being a missionary in China smuggling Bibles through what I believed were real "underground" churches
...

I seriously would never finish this list if I could actually remember everything I've wanted to do...

But as it turns out, every time I thought I had my life all planned out, all the way down to the last dot, God would leave me planless... and there I was again, walking through roads I never quite fully understood.

Don't take this the wrong way. It's actually a good thing that God leaves me planless every time. He gives me a chance to do what I was made to do...

thinking about it gets me exited. The Bible says that God has things planned for me that even I have not imagined... and as you can see in my list above, I've imagined pretty amazing things for just one person... can you even begin to TRY and imagine where He's taking me? I know I can't, and every time I do, He'll just top me with something a bajillion times better.

on a completely different note.

This year was a hard year. It started off with a prayer that I remember like I prayed it yesterday... I asked God that this year be my year... All I know is that this year I came to harsh and truthfull realizations about myself. I saw things very differently, and it did not go as well as I had planned it to go... but then again, remember how my plans are never the one's He has... but still, I can hardly wait for the next year to get my real life going. My supernatural life.


Someone told me I had lost my faith...
Someone said I was kind of a fatalist...
My God says His mercies are new every morning...

But yeah, those three things are true. But this next year, you just wait and see... this next year will BE my year. I declare it over me, and I'm immortalizing it by publishing it online.

This next year I will grow older and younger. I will grow older and wiser in understanding and revelation of my Beloved. I will grow younger and naïver in my heart.

This next year I will be ready to face myself. I will recognize my areas of strenght and weakness. I will confront myself with the reality of me and be humble as to know I am not perfect.

This next year I will learn to love myself. I will take care of my body, my mind, my eyes, my hands and my spirit. Then I will be able to love others in the way I love myself.

This next year I will learn to honor those who honor deserve. I will respect my authorities and my peers. I will listen not only with my ears but with my heart.

This next year I will let go of my pride. I will quiet when I have nothing to say. I will speak when it is wise to do so. I will not see others below me, but set myself under everyone, serving with love and devotion.

This next year I will believe. I will know His word and live by it with my spirit, even when my soul does not want to believe it.

This next year I will dream. I will speak words of encouragement onto my own life and those around me.

This next year I will love. I will give myself to others the way He gave His life for me. I will aquire deeper revelation of His passion for me and love others like He has me.

This next year is a year of victory, of maturity and understanding.
It is a year of fire, perseverance and faithfulness.
A year of dancing in the river of His delight.

This next year is going to be His year in me.


....

broken glass in my arm

My car window got smashed today... and my iPod got stolen.

The whole event was kind of surreal. When they first told me they had smashed my window I thought they maybe hit it and it was cracked or something. Never in my life would I have thought that they had actually stolen something from me. As I was walking towards the car, right by the girls bathroom It felt like I was starting to panick. I lifted my hands and combed my hair back while inhaling for dear life... a couple steps later the feeling was gone, and I distinctly remember having a smile on my face.

I finally got to where my car was. A couple friends were there staring at the remains of my car window. I walked up to the car and immediately looked to the back seat, because I knew I had so much stuff in the back seat that even I would've stolen it... but everything was there. My next impulse made me stare right at the little black bag where I keep my iPod, which was empty. It always is, I just leave it there so the back of the iPod won't get scratches... But still, my iPod wasn't on top of it. Right there I knew, inside of me, that my iPod was gone. However I still checked the chord to see if it was still attached to the iTrip. My guts kidded me not when I felt that my iPod was missing: The chord had been finely cut by a cutting thingy that made the stealing appeal so simple... except for the whole bursting my window into a hundred million little pieces of broken glass, one of which found it's way into my right arm.

The little piece of glass that cut me (it's not even a cut, it's just a weird bumpy thingy that hurts a bit) was probably the size of half a grain of sand... and writing about it now makes me realize that even the littlest things can hurt you.

After all those very lovely realizations, I was still not panicking. I was calm, and that smile I was telling you about still seemed to be hanging around my face.

I called my mom. Then my dad. Then cleaned the whole mess up... kinda. Now I have a broken window, and a stolen iPod.

But never once did I feel bad during the whole experience, not even when my parents were scolding me for not hiding my stuff in the car and being so irresponsible and etc. etc.

I can't help but wonder if it did bother me but I didn't show it... but after all the stress I've been going through these past weeks, it certainly didn't feel like it did bother me... I was calm. Relaxed. Even felt like I was enjoying the whole debacle at some points (just don't tell either of my parents).

However, I think the best part of my day was climbing on the highest part of the ladder and not feeling like I was going to fall.. Seriously, y'all should do that sometime soon. I know for sure, that I'm gonna do it again tomorrow... except I don't have a window to break this time... which is actually good, because tomorrow, I have nothing left to loose.

I'm swearing off 007's...

I never thought watching a movie could break my heart. Much less a stupid James Bond movie.

If you haven't seen Casino Royale, don't read this, because there are spoilers.

She tried to make sense out of what had happened all the way back from the theater, but my heart didn't care about the sense the movie could make. I still wanted to cry. I still am crying.

Someone please explain to me why I am crying for a stupid STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!! James Bond movie... I certainly don't understand.

When I saw his expression on the screen, damn good actor I might say, I got blown away. Freaking blown away. I started shaking, not that I'll ever admit to it. My heart started pounding faster, my eyes began to water. My head hurt so bad trying to keep it all inside.

I know it's just a story. Just a story I tell myself. But the hurt still exists. If not for the loss of Bond, for the cracks in my own heart.

If I try to reason this out, it goes something like this:

Bond represents stone turned hearts everywhere. In me, in you, in everyone that's ever been bruised. Something made its way through the cold cement walls and began warming up whatever was left of the beat inside... But then, once the security and comfort settled in, what began as a joyous warming ran back outside like a sprinting lion, tearing down the walls as it found its way into the light. Breaking the heart all over again. Not only exposing the half burned muscle, but leaving it in a way that there's no possibility of reconstruction, even when the walls are build up once again.

It was not fair, but life is not fair, cliché very much intended.

So then, does it mean I can cry?

Yes.

But not because I cannot detach myself from the screen once set in front of me... I've always been good at letting go of movies, ask those who think they know me....

However, I wasn't good at that tonight. Even though I tried, I could not separate my own heart from Bond's... it broke, and the pieces fell and got shattered all over the ground... But unlike Bond, my heart has the opportunity for healing... and you know what else? It hurts me that there are people that don't get that opportunity.

I can because basically there's no escaping this. This time I'm letting it hurt, if not for the medicinal purposes HE's been guiding me through these past few days, because I really have no other option.

So be it, I tell myself... let us all weep blood tonight, not from the deceiving eye, but from the wounded, crimson heart, welcoming the healing.

change

People don't change... But they can, they just don't because it's easier not to...

Am I going to change? I ask myself. Yes... It will not be easy. It will not be pleasant. It won't be fast nor noticeable. At least you won't think so... But it will be. It will be everything you wished for and more. It will be true and permanente if you give yourself in with all of your heart.

There are things you do because they tell you to. Not this. This is because you have no other option. You were made for this. Destined for this. In your heart, the depths of your heart, you know it is what it is. And you willingly give in. You let yourself stumble onto the darkness holding on to a promise of light. And surely: there it is. And you rejoice in the fact that those are the things you said you were made for. And that day: Today, you are there, and in your heart there was never any other option... sanctified.

Looking for Vienna

There's something magical about having a song written with your name on it... but then there's the other magic in which a particular song describes you in such a perfect way that all you ever want to do is listen to that song. Unless of course it's a really depressing song or something tragical or desperate.

For me there's only one song. And what's even better is that I like the song, not only the lyrics. But the lyrics are the ones that take the cake away.

They talk about me right now. About life being something you're supposed to cherish and savor, not rush your way into. It speaks about dreams, plans and decisions. It talks about living.

So, here it is, my song:

Vienna by Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
You are still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you



and yep, that's pretty much all you could know about be... if you'd learn to see through the skins and layers.

I seriously plan on going to Vienna before I'm 25 or something.

thoughts about teaching

It's always the things that remain unsaid that matter the most. I've decided to begin saying many of those unsaid things, and I won't bug people asking them to read. Whoever reads will read for a reason. I'm just going to write.


For many years I've wanted, contrary to what many friends and acquaintances might think, to be a teacher. The thing is, I believe that there is power in the art of teaching (yes, I will make an art out of everything I do... I guess it lets me believe then that what I'm doing has a chance to be beautiful)

---

I just dictionared "art".... which I've found to be:

the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power

---

I also believe that a teacher has the power to change a student’s life. He's a decision inducer, granted with the skill to alter every aspect in the heart and mind of their students. A teacher can make or brake. He can be one out of two things: some other guy or girl who can teach or he/she can choose to be an inspiration. Teachers always have the "extra mile" set before them, door wide open for them to step right through and make something out of their students.

The "magic" about all this is that it is true. Think about it. There's at least one teacher in your life that has defined you in more than one way. Someone that challenged you to bring out the best in you. More importantly, someone who believed. Believed in you, in the fact that you are not but what you choose to be, and someone who believed that you had it in you to make the right decisions. (that someone doesn’t necessarily have to have a degree in education)

I want to be that for kids… teenagers mostly. Kids no one else cares about. Kids facing life thinking there's no point for existence. Kids with a longing for something real in which to hold on to...

BUT... oh yes, there's always a but...

In order for me to be able to be that to others, I need to "turn my thoughts within and find myself" like my Oriental Express fortune cookie said once... Not because I can find anything relevant IN me, but because I need to determine who I am and what I believe... otherwise I can't help people find their own way.

For the last two years, I've been determined to find out who I am. Because I believe that who I am makes who I'll be... not in the sense that I'm doomed and whatever mess I'm in right now, there's no fixin'... more like I know if I find out who I am, who I really am, who I was MADE to be, I will be able to live that way... And boy have I messed up in the process. There are days where I think there's no possible manner in which I can be made right again... then comes amazing grace and saves me from myself. The fatalist. The dreamer who sometimes gets lost in her own dreams. Nightmares really, but whatever. (you see!? that's what I was referring to with the fatalist)

Anyways. Finding myself has been a process I'm not yet through understanding... I don't really think I've begun to understand what all that implies. But I think that in the middle of all the FREAKING mess I've made, there's a way out...

(Isn't it amazing, my ability to ramble on about so much and so little? That happens when I want to say so much but most of the time say nothing)

I truly believe God is the answer, as clichéd and trite that might sound. However, God being the answer does not mean that "the answer" is easy to comprehend and grip... Nooo, not a chance. Part of the beauty of God being "the answer" is something I heard someone say before (and its biblical) "It is the glory of God to conceal a thing, but the glory of a king to find it out."

So made kings and empresses, lords and princesses we set out... more like, I set out, to find the glory God concealed in me.

Whenever I find it, or during the time I find bits and pieces of it, I will then be able to pass it on. Hoping to inspire the hearts of others to search the glory of God hidden in them... that glory which will tell them where they belong: side by side... of The Almighty Lover of our souls.

That, among other things is why someday I want to be a teacher.

by Your side

You find me here as I am dying, laying in my own blood
and as you gaze upon me You speak words of eternity saying
Live, young one, live.

And a breath of life dances into me,
rising me up from my grave.
Then I am standing, dripping in crimson stains

I feel dirty, yet Your eyes are still upon me
drinking in my unrecognizable beauty, gently stripping me from my weakness filling me up with your light

You hold out your hand to me, my eyes meet the wounds in your palms.

and I find myself needing You more than I need air... so I stretch out my own hand and hold onto Yours. You won't let me fall.

Tears slide down my cheeks, for I cannot stand here with you and not be moved by you

And I am where I need to be.

101 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

I turn 19 right now... heh. It's like one in the morning and I'm trying to fix some stupid video thingy on my laptop. I started thinking a bit and decided to write this entry, in honor of this being my first day as more of an adullt. They're not in any specific order.


1. Buy a vespa
2. Own a hotel
3. Direct a (real) movie, music video, documentary
3. Write a book.
4. Publish said book.
5. Live in New York for at least 6 months of my life.
6. Study in the United States (at least for a summer or something)
7. Travel by plane by myself. (doesn't matter if I meet someone later)
8. Get married
9. Have kids
10. Graduate from college
11. Record some sort of cd
12. Cut my hair really short
13. Go diving
14. Go skydiving
15. Go on a road trip in which I drive. (preferably further than a three hour trip)
16. Travel all over the world because of my ministry
17. Have a cell phone and not break it
18. Meet someone famous I really want to meet
19. Write my interview compillation
20. Convince my whole family to change to macs
21. Be like John
22. Graduate Magna Cum Laude
23. Reach my ideal weigh
24. Get a tattoo (designed by me)
25. Get my nose or lip pierced
26. Own a brand new gray Range Rover
27. Be able to run for an hour straight
28. Join a real soccer team (and actually play)
29. Join a real baseball/softball team (and actually play)
30. See my kids grow
31. See my disciples grow
32. Sing a song I wrote for my best friend at her wedding
33. Write that song. And a whole bunch of other songs
34. Go to both of my brother's weddings
35. Are you kidding? I didn't think it would take all that long to write 100 things
36. Pilot an airplane
37. Join the mile high club with my hubby (shuttup)
38. Stop biting my nails
39. Sing and play at a real concert
40. Lead a (preferably teenager) worship team
41. Go intern at IHOP
42. Go to some sort of film school or course
43. Travel to the little hotel I saw in the American Express travel book
44. Ride an elephant. In Africa.
45. Re-learn how to play the drums
45. Learn to sing (better)
46. Go to Thailand
47. Study german
48. Preach in Germany (see the above)
49. Define my dressing style
50. Organize a huge concert (where they sell cool t-shirts)
51. Go to a concert. But nothing pop, real indie music, where they appreciate the music, not the "show"


En honor a abraham que me acaba de hablar por telefono para felicitarme por mi cumpleaños, me detengo para decirle que lo quiero mucho, que es todo un chilanguito con su "venga, venga" y que espero disfrute mi extensa lista que me he tardado mucho en hacer.

52. (Talking to Abraham made me remember this entry) Go to a Sundance Film Festival, at least once
53. Wear my Burberry trench coat on a regular basis
54. Fix the stupid update on my computer so I can watch Diego be all cute and funny
55. See Diego again, regularly.
56. Have a very professional production studio... with macs and many screens and the little network thingies that I can't remmember their names because my brain is numb. But have one like the ones they have on the "pro-profiles" on apple.com
57. Have the original Final Cut Pro Studio software
58. See the aurora borale, in at least two places of the world
59. Drink irish beer, in an irish pub, during the fall
60. Own an extensive collection of LP records and actually have heard them all
61. Go to Hillsong College for a summer production program
62. Study at NYU
63. Intern in a magazine (nothing about cars, technology or anything)
64. "Backpack" through Europe with my friends
65. Be able to refer to God as the God in whose prescence I abide
66. Eat caribou again
67. Go to "Entercout", or something like that, in Toronto
68. Wear supper skinny jeans (skinny does not precisely mean tight!)
69. Cook a delicious gourmet meal for a large amount of people
70. Travel by plane on First Class
71. Always have a double portion
72. Remain as an unshaken, whole-hearted and relentless worhshipper, singing a new song everyday from the depths of my heart
73. Write real poetry
74. Intern at IHOP for at least a summer track
75. Not be offended
76. Write for the New York Times
77. Take photography classes
78. Have one of my pictures in a magazine
79. Write editorials for some magazine
80. Go skiing again
81. Learn to walk in high heels
82. Bike to Mcallen
83. Have a golf kart
84. Have a dog again (and have him live inside my house)
85. Be a lover (not that kind!)
86. Buy a new Jeep Wrangler for my mom
87. Take my dad to Africa
88. Go fly fishing and wear the cool jumpsuit and all that
89. Learn how to use Final Cut Pro, Flash and Photoshop
90. Fix my record player
91. Go to Disneyland Paris
92. Learn how to apply makeup
93. Go to London
94. Know His secrets
95. See my grandkids
96. See all my close friends get married and have their kids and their ministrys and jobs and be all happy
97. See His promises for my family come true.
98. Go on the dare-devil ride thingy again
99. Memorize a really large portion of the Bible
100. Meet my husband and marry him
101. Be a God chaser forever and ever.

So. It only took like a week to get this done, but it's done! These are just random things. Some are really important. Some are not. But they are all things I would love to do or see or get or understand before I die... so, enjoy knowing a bit more about me.