new beginnings

New times call for new places to write, don't you think?

Soooo y'all can read my new blog HERE

surprise

I'm working on a new "website" (blog) on another server (which means you'll no longer have to go to maryvw.blogspot.com to read my stuff... it'll be another site) that's much prettier than this one and that has, visually and everything-else-wise, a lot more to offer than blogger.

I'm setting it up so that everything that's in this blog is going to be there to, so it will be a smooth transition for all of us.

But to get it all set EXACTLY how I want it, it might take a while... most likely it'll be up sometime this weekend.

I'm so excited, heh. This other site is pretty awesome.

Dinner at 6... are you kidding me?

My world and my reality have come crashing down right in front of me these past 24 days. I have not written, not because I don't like you, but because it's still not time to branch out.

By no means is whatever I am living here a secret. I am not really doing any exciting touristy stuff. I spent most of my time in my room playing my guitar and my newly acquired bongos -- Yes, I bought bongos. They are the best thing ever.

My room is a mess (don't tell my mom). I haven't made my bed in like a week and a half, but really, why would I? I spent most of my time actually sitting in my bed, it's much more comfortable to have it unmade.

There's shoes everywhere, despite the fact that whenever I see my black converse, blue-checkered vans and slippers on the floor I could swear I though I put them away. The desk... well, ever since I moved my laptop to my chair and set it beside my bed, let's just say that you can't really put anything on top of the desk. Except for space change and my (literally) hundred bottles of water/gatorade/juice... well, maybe not hundreds, but right now there's three of them plus a cup and a dish... over the weekend I drank five propells (gatorade) and those were there too.

I watch movies too... but I think I might stop that, since last night I watched two.

"The Boys", as people actually living in the apartment affectionatley call the guys coming over tonight, are coming over. The Boys is made up of John (Zoe's boyfriend), Peter (Erin's significant other) and Eric and Ben(?)... I might have made up the last names. We are all going to have a pretty dinner and eat in a four person table. Because we are cool like that.

Last night I went to a "community group" from the church I went to on Saturday. It was interesting. Very different from what I'm used to. The food, on the other side, was unbelievable. The ride home on the subway was beautiful. I've never been to that part of town before. I might do it again, when there's light out.

I don't miss people, really. I feel like that one movie I saw once where they traveled to space and because of the speed they were traveling at, they could travel for hundreds of years and still not age a day. I feel like I just got here yesterday. Everything else is in pause back home (which I know it's not)

Things are so offbeat here. There's no responsibilities, like back home. There's no church fifty five hours a week at the same time every week. There's no driving, no meals at 2:30 p.m. There's no mom to tell me to pick up my room (I particularly don't miss that. Although I love my mom dearly and I know I really should pick it up. Still) There's no cleaning for me, so this weekend I'm actually vacuuming the apartment. There's no friends to call or see or ignore. There's no brother playing his music at a hundred million decibels louder than he should be, thus not letting me THINK when I'm trying to be quiet in my room. There's no dressing up for Sundays. There's no hour of studying my instrument daily (although i think I might be playing a lot more in my spare time than I did back home). There's no familiar scents and there's no comfortable towel, since the one I bought on the day I got here is kind of not comfortable.

The one thing I do miss, terribly, is belting out singing at the top of my lungs. Monday rehearsal and Tuesday/Friday intercession/worship is what I long for the most. I can sing here, just not as loudly as I would like to. You see, there's other people living in the apartment that don't necessarily want to hear me sing. They get to hear me play my guitar all day so I give them the benefit of singing not-so-loudly. But Sunday in church I sang at the top of my lungs (enough so I could still be in tune) and it was heart-breaking. Oh, how I long to stand before my God and sing out loud from my heart to His.

Boston is not as dry as I thought it would be. My Father has been speaking to my heart loudly and clearly, despite myself. But it's not time to share right now. It's time to stride into His secret and find myself in Him.

or not, you know.

whatever

Update

Tonight

I need to go to the bathroom.

Dinner no.8... breakfast for dinner



our other roommate


erin, being exited about the weekend


zoe, studying chem


and this here... that's me. just after I woke up.


so, how was the concert last night?

complete response to comments

Respuesta a los comments...

el edificio es en efecto parte del MIT, aunque el MIT no es asi como te imaginas el IEST o el TEC que son dos que tres edificillos... son una CIUDAD bestialmente enorme llena de edificios y de lugares asi.

La señora... wow... la historia de la señora la guardo para después porque ya me voy a dormir y si empiezo, nunca voy a terminar.

no tomo tantas fotos porque no he hecho tantas cosas.

nunca vas a estar lista mentalmente para tu partida. ja!

también les mando un millon de te quieros... pero que asco un cacahuate tostado

ya puse una foto nueva de mi roomie. La que se ve es zoe.


no estoy muy sgura que significa O.Y.E... vane, si quieres aclararnoslo a todos

Frank Gehry en realidad es bastante famoso.

la pagina de las fotos la voy a hacer si veo que tomo más fotos. ahorita he estado subiendo las más relevantes.

vayamos juntas a europa? de donde salio eso? jajaja

Boston huele a jabon para lavar trastes orgánico... porque con ese jabón lavo trastes. porque mis roomies son súper ecológicas... y como casi siempre yo lavo los trastes, a eso huelen mis manos y por ende siento que a eso huele todo. las otras veces Boston huele a arboles y a hojas, y es lo más delicioso que hay.

si no viste le final de Stranger than fiction entonces no viste la pelicula! tienes que ver el final! el final es el chiste de la pelicula.

cuando empezaste a aprender italiano? jajajaja...

Los amo! a los que dejaron comments y a los que no!

tonight's doings

dinner #6... pasta and broccoli



And then I "went" to the prayer meeting...


how cool is this?


i know!


y'all shureeee seng iindd dawnce real purrrrty

response

hahahaha... the comments are precious! I'll be sure to answer them in my next entry tonight. Right now, I'm off to get something to eat because I'm starving.

all my love!

I set off the fire alarm while trying to toast a bagel in the stove.

Updates!

These here are just pictures and recounts of what I did, I'm writing something more profound and interesting tomorrow, so be expectant.


First off... Friday we went to the park. Exhibit no.1 is roommate no.1 (erin) on the left side, covering visual contact of roommate no.2 (zoe) and roommate no.2's friend Nancy on the right. (by the way, roommates are awesome)




This next picture is for my mom, because she likes flowers!



Then, Saturday...

Saturday was my "explore" day. I took the T (the transportation thingy here, which is actually just the metro) to Chinatown, because I wanted to go see Chinatown (wouldn't that make sense?) and walked around for a bit. After walking there for about an hour I got creeped out and ran for the hills, quite literally almost, because I found myself walking through Boston Common, which is a huge park-like gargen. Throughout the whole time, I'm walking with my iPod and suddenly I hear this gong-esque sound. So I lower my iPod's volume and keep walking into a crowd when i realize it's some sort of Buddhist rite of some sort. I spot a few monks, dressed in their orange gowns, bald and most of them wearing glasses, walk in pairs. There's a long line of mostly Asian people and right then I spot it: a sign. It said something about Buddha's 27th birthday and prayer for peace. I hurried by and then found myself walking through narrow streets filled with antique shops and quaint restaurants...



I walked some more and stopped at a Starbucks for a nice, fresh iced mocha... read for about half an hour and decided to cross the bridge towards MIT...

That's me. Crossing. The bridge.



Then, for my dear architect friends and family, here's a building designed by F. Gehry, which gets even more beautiful as you get closer...



and closer...



aaaaand closer...



and then I was hungry and crossed the other bridge back...




So I'd been walking straight for like 3 hours (minus the half hour at Starbucks) and was tired, so I found a nice bench in the shade to read.

But then this lady started up a conversation with me that lasted six hours... from 5:30 until about 12 pm. Yes. It was intense. And yes, I am weird like that.

I'll tell you all about her later though.

Hope you like these pictures, be sure to leave mushy-love-filled comments!

requests

- pictures of just about anyone and anything you'd think I like (so I can stick them in my walls) --- especially if it's a picture of you!

- my gray vans with the pink pain stains in them... I completely forgot to bring them and have nothing to wear with my "non-matching" outfits

- hugs-in-a-jar or something like that, because the lack of physical contact with ANYONE other than an occasional handshake is unsettling

- just general and random stuff to put in my walls

- love!!

heh. so today is my first day of "vacations" because I don't have class until Tuesday, so expect to hear all about it later on tonight

ohhh... and a hair brush because every time I go to the store I forget to buy it, so I've just totally done my hair with my fingers... yeah.

the chronicles of boston - day 3: Harvard is really, really pretty

Today's class was awesome, to say the least. I mean, we didn't do too much, other than throw around some thoughts about communication and theories, but I liked it.

My classes seem to be everything - and more - than what I'd expected them to be. They're actually small groups. My 201 class (intro to comm writing) is about 12 persons and my 380 class (theories and processes of comm...which apparently is a class that graduate students take) is only 8.

When I got to my 380 class I freaked out a little because although the girls already in class didn't look that old, they were in fact seniors... and I'm almost a sophomore (para los que no sepan, senior es de ultimo año y sophomore es de segundo año) so I though that maybe the class was going to be too difficult for me to get a grasp of.... Buuut no. Class started off very interesting and I was actually able to participate with smart answers.

We got out of class early and I went and bought my books (which are unbelievably interesting by the way) and then walked for like the next 45 minutes to go see where I had to pay something that I ended up not paying... that was nice.

After that I got home and we were supposedly going to go to Harvard and get something to eat with a friend of Zoe, so we got on the T (the train, called the T, as you can see... which is really the metro) and went off to Cambridge (the city where Harvard is).

Oh. My. God. Harvard is gorgeous. We ate at this amazing burger joint and then Zoe's friend, Nick, gave us the most interesting tour I've ever been to... probably because of the fact that I could just interrupt and ask questions all the time.

The thing is, Nick is a total Harvard student. Which is amazing in the sense that Harvard students really are like students students... he knew so much about practically everything and was all articulate and stuff, but he was amusing and sweet in a "best-guy-friend" sort of way. He works at the Crimson, which is the school's newspaper, and he even gave us a tour of the building and we saw the press room and all of it... and I was swept away by the professional feeling of it all, even though it is completely , yes, let me say that again: completely by students... (theres like a board of advisers, but whatever)

So Harvard was awesome... I'm gonna go back there and see a little more of Cambridge and its surroundings... (and buy Harvard t-shirts. heh)

Got home, did my reading for tomorrow... loved every bit of it... (it's amazing when you actually are drawn by your subject of study, rather than just taking lame math courses you don't give a ping pong ball about)

I'm gonna go to bed now, because walking for hours is very tiring.... I mean literally, I think I've been walking (non-stop) for like a total of 2 hours every day. As opposed to the 15 minutes a day I walked in Tampico.

This place is just different.

I still don't feel that adapted but I figure I'm getting there. It's easier to hang with the roomies every day and well I've just had one class of both my subjects, I guess next week things will have settled down.

Till the next time y'all!

My beautiful apartment

So here's us the morning I left



And this is my awesome desk (and by no means am I being sarcastic. I really do like my desk.) and my closet NOT with my coat, which I should have brought. But whatever now.




here's the other half of my room... which is a work in progress because I most definitively am going to get something to put on the walls. So if you guys want to send me something cool to put in my wall, I'd love it.



this is my bathroom... that thing in the sink is a "towel" a friend gave me. It's this small minnie mouse paper-y toy that's like the size of half an iPod and you just throw it in water and it grows into a towel. Which now I'm going to use as a hand towel... I know it looks weird, but it's not, it's actually pretty cool... I'm gonna go dry it now so I can use it later



this here is my kitchen. We made dinner tonight, my roommates and me... Oh, my roommates are Zoe and Erin and they're both really cool. Erin's a vegetarian. I don't know many vegetarians back home so we're gonna eat tofu sometime soon, I guess that should be interesting. I'm home alone right now because they went to a party somewhere and I went to buy a blanket because last night I almost died because of the cold (no, not really... but it was cold though)



and this here is our "living room"... which is not that livable, but it has bright and useful lighting during the day.





and the last picture here is of me, adapting and enjoying, learning and growing.




So tomorrow I'll probably upload some pictures of the city and write something substantial. I'm having a great time, but it's all so surreal and I feel completely disconnected to the world. Boston is going to be an amazing desert though, the city is beautiful, right out of a movie.

life is good

Mariana :

leaves for pretty pretty boston in two weeks.

finds out her living arrangements in one.

is going to Encuentro 2007 and the Hillsong United concert in august.

has to study for her exams.

has a paper due tomorrow.

wants to see spiderman 3.

loves you... most of you... those she knows, at least.

Same thing

M: I was just talking on the phone with my father...
Anonymous: does he still read those magazines he used to read?
M: Yeah...
Anonymous: which one was it? Times New Magazine?
M: Time magazine?
Anonymous: Yeah, Times New Magazine...

by this point I'm laughin histerically because I already know what he means by "Times New Magazine"

Me: Say it again. Say it again. Which magazine?
Anonymous: Times New Magazine... no?
Me: Which one?
Anonymous: Times New Magazine.
Me: You mean New York Times?
Anonymous: oooohh.... yeah... that one.


For anonymity purposes I can't say who said this.

Mixing Consoles and Appendixes

V suddenly got sick yesterday and by days end she was being opened up and her appendix was being taken out.

I've never had an operation before. I'm not asking for one, but I have a very curious nature... being operated would be something interesting to experience. (except if it were something for like a broken hand or something. I could pass out just by thinking about breaking something and hearing the crack and seeing the muscle and blood all out and oh god no...) but if it were something inside I'd probably be interrogating the doctor dude as to what he's doing at every second I'm awake and able.

Last night I didn't play with the worship team for the prayer meeting. Because V was getting an operation I was asked to help out with the sound crew. Boy did I have fun.

If there's one thing I love almost as much as I love playing with a group is listening to music. And making that music sound "pretty" is even better. I love figuring out a way to put glory in His worship. Standing behind the mixing console... lower meds for the main voice, turn up gain on the internal mic, the guitar is too high, lower it a bit. the prayer's voice is too low... and the music starts to flow and God's grace over us in the sound crew can be felt by the way people that never noticed before, tonight notice that "the electric guitar sounded tonight, didn't it? I mean, like more than other times"... and it's amazing. And when you're up there moving this and that and checking to see if the singers can actually hear their voices or if the drummer can hear the prayer in his monitor it's like you're dancing. With your fingers. And before you notice it your head is not just bobbing with the beat, your whole body is feeling it. The music, but mostly, the Almighty's presence filling the room. And as you pray in tounges figuring out a way to make the other singer's voice sound good when she changes her mic, you can't help but smile when you feel and see that by His grace and mercy, tonight, the sound crew has put glory in His worship. We wrapped up the present and layed it at His feet.

Royal Conlcusions

I saw The Queen today (the movie, not an actual queen) and it was a very interesting story, to say the least. When we got out of the theater, there were mixed feelings from the three of us that went. I loved the movie. S thought it was kind of monotone and I thought... I'm not sure what she thought about the movie, but she agreed with the queen's reaction to all of what happened.

I'm not really sure our determination on the movie come from the same perspective. Yes, the movie was monotone in the sense that it carried on with one same thing over and over and over again... for those of you who haven't seen it (this won't be a spoiler, though) it's all about how the queen, and the "establishment" (as they call the British Monarchy), deal with princess Diana's death.

First of all, I don't know THAT much about princess Diana. I remember a long time ago reading a lot a about her, randomly knowing she suffered from bulimia, was cheated by her royal husband and pretty much had a nasty life all around. depression included... However, she seemed to have truly made an impact on people.

If we all go deeper into this social impact that she had, one might say that she's the triumphant underdog. What do I mean by this? Well, she was cast aside from the royal establishment basically because she was the first one, inside the royal family, to get a divorce. (even though apparently EVERYONE knew that prince Charles was having an affair... aaand now that I read up on my princess Diana, apparently so was she) but non the less, she managed to show the world that she cared. She was one of the first public figures to publicly touch an AIDS infected person... she did lots of humanitarian stuff. But I wonder where, all through that path, did she find herself alongside people such as Mother Teresa and Ghandi.

It's all very interesting, and as an avid wikipedite (word I'm almost sure doesn't exist. at least not in english... i googled it) I'm going to see what else I can learn from all this.. But going back to the movie...

When the queen had to decide to go against all that she had already decided, even hundreds of years of protocol... (if protocol had been followed, princess Diana, because of her extramarital affairs, should have been hung to death... literally). Wow... that is humility at it's greatest.

She retracted her actions before the whole world to show sympathy. compassion. just to give others a break... and did nothing illegal by doing so.

It's hard for me to see the impact Diana had on society. Probably because I don't belong to that particular society... I mean, I wouldn't be that bothered if the president died (I'm sorry if that sounded horrible. But it's for the sake of making an honest point). Fine... the president here has not (yet) caused as much revolt and social impact as princess Diana, but still, I wouldn't be moved to tears... and given my prone-to-selfishness nature (which I'm trying to get rid of, thank you very much) would most likely not give his death a second though... But people are entitled to be overwhelmed by their choice of emotions and thoughts.

Ok I guess this is enough on the queen and all this. I'm not even sure I made a point... It was all interesting to marinate in.

Too hot

We were eating lunch at my house the other day, my mom was talking about global warming and how the earth is supposed to "end" in like the year 2100... unlike what they thought 20 years ago when they thought It'd be in like the year 3000...

"I'm gonna be dead by that time, but imagine Raulito (my 3 year old nephew), he's going to be alive"

then my brother chipped in by saying he'd be dead too by that time. To what I smartly replied

"Well, technically you can still be alive by that time... you'd be like 90"

he made a weird face and then just said

"Ugh no... I couldn't stand it... I'd be too hot"

I leave for boston in about 23 days

Soft Spoken Melodies... wait can you actually speak melodies?

Ugh. I've been trying to write something for the past days and nope, nothing.

I started a couple entries before deciding I wasn't going to write anything, I'll just look up something and post it and let y'all meditate on that... because otherwise I'd be just saying vain and unimportant things.

So, here goes something:

I want to stand in Your counsel to sit at Your table
And speak to You face to face as a friend
I want to stand in Your fire wherever Your eyes fall
May You find me faithful to Your heart
Let me be found...
With a heart after You
May Your eyes find this heart loyal to You
May You xbe all that's on my mind all of the time
Let my heart be torn in two until your will is mine
Dearly Beloved of my soul


this is actually the lyrics to the song "Heart after You" by either Luke Wood or Justing Rizzo. (I just got new cds and books from kansas from my mom. There's nothing like getting books and cds.... wait, there is, but books and cds always make my day beautiful)

How bout we take it one day at a time?

Finding time to do what I'm supposed to be doing gets harder every day. But I'm getting the hang of it... kinda.

Right now, I should be taking a shower, but I'm sitting and writing instead. A while ago I was supposed to be studying, but I saw a movie insted. In the morning I was supposed to go to school, but my stomach hurt pretty bad and I decided to stay home instead. I am going to study, just later. I am going to shower, just later. I will go to school, just tomorrow... oh wait, not tomorrow because on wednesdays I have no school. But I have to study, because the tests I have this week are pretty intense. I found out yesterday while I was studying for one of them that I actually like the subject. If only I had payed attention before I would have found the process of going throught that class a lot more... interesting? I guess.

But really, I figure I just have to take the time to soak in the good side of everything. Although I have a hard time doing that for math. But my mom wisely said that whatever I do there will always be something I don't like about it... so I figure I have to pay more attention to the parts that I do enjoy and that ought to make it all better.

The problem is, I think, that I over think everything too much. I spent so much time thinking about things that I miss out on them when they're actually happening. So I'm trying to give my brain a break, let it rest, just do what I'm doing.

I have to be hard on myself and tell me every morning "one day at a time", otherwise I'll be driving to school and I'll be thinking of whatever I'll be doing in like 3 years. I'm a strange type of overachiever... I'm the type of overachiever that because I'm figuring out a way to overachieve I might collapse while actually doing what I'm trying to achieve and the best possible outcome (which I know I can reach) is messed up.

So I'm slowing down now. My goal today is to get through this day having enjoyed it, having done the best I could and knowing that He's in charge of me.

The interesting part of all this slowing down bit is that slowing down does not mean not doing anything. It means exactly the opposite. It means just do what you know that you have to do right now. Then you'll worry about doing what you have to do tomorrow. Baby steps... It's all about knowing how to baby step.

Teaser Trailer

I'm sooo excited!

Good things are starting to happen! Just this moment, while writing down that I was excited I remembered how God told me that this year I would see the beginning of what I am going to become and that I am going to touch and perceive what is coming for my life... and all of this and what is coming will be for the glory of my God.

I'm not really gonna go into all that too much, I just wanted to say that things are starting to clear up in many ways. I have six weeks until I leave and then I leave for six weeks. I'm going to be gone for 40 days. 40 days that I plan on staying in the desert, by myself, with my God, my Lover, my Beloved.

Really. Brace yourselves y'all, good things are starting to happen... but with every promised land comes a desert, and with every conquer comes a war. So yeah, all of that too.

Quick trip

This week has been a strange week, to say the least. A good but strange week.

Yesterday I went to Monterrey to get my student visa. Those of you who don't know, I am going to Boston for some time during the summer to take a couple courses at BU. The whole thing was crazy. From the moment I woke up, or "not-woke up" really, because I don't recall hearing the alarm, to the last part of the day where I ate tacos for the first time in like two months, it all felt so surreal, very dali-esque, except without the nasty feeling in your stomach... oh wait, I did get that, but that was from the fact that I ate too many different things and then got on a taxi that could've easily been mistaken for a blender.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's all begin where good things begin: right where it all started.

So I got up in the morning, my mom knocked at my door and told me we should already have been leaving for the airport. I still don't know what's happening so I jump out of my bed and hit the light switch. "I'll just put on some clothes and wash my teeth, and we can leave." I said as I was trying to find something decent to wear. My mom insisted, however, that I shower, so I complied and took a very quick 4 minute shower , put on some shorts and a shirt... I looked so not decent for a consulate interview to get my visa. My mom made notice of that, so I changed into a nicer shirt (no great improvement there really, but really, it was 6 in the morning).

So we're off to the airport, and my half-asleep brother grumbles something at us when we are getting out of the car. An hour and forty minutes until our plane leaves, we check in (too early for my gusto) and head up to get some breakfast. Ten minutes before boarding time, the security guard at the gate entrance tells us our flight has been canceled.

I'm not panicking yet, because again, it is too early in the morning. But I really do have to get to Monterrey NOW because I have a visa interview in less than three hours.

We're getting another ticket, another plane leaves half an hour after our flight was supposed to. We can still make it, we tell ourselves and board the plane. Next thing I know I'm drooling over my mom's shoulder and we've landed. Time to go? An hour: we can still make it.

We find a cab, and wait in line at the wrong taxi company line, realize that our taxi was waiting at the curb, we hurry and get in. "Take the highway, they say it's quicker"... and there we are, driving towards the consulate, the taxi driver just doesn't seem to want to be quiet, so we talk for a bit. He's from Linares, small cities have no work opportunities, they shouldn't be charging for highway use, we're here at the consulate.

Some paperwork checking and finding some random security guard to take care of our cell phones we're inside. They're checking my name on a list, cross it and now it's time to go through the metal detector. My mom forgot to leave her iPod headphones outside, so I have to hurry outside and give them to the security guard who's taking care of our cell phones. We're back inside. There's a line. Long line.

Now I'm inside a small booth and they're checking my papers. Some payment I had to make was not registered in the system... Oh my God, are you kidding me?

So, no payment register... means no visa. But they take my picture and my mom and I go to another line. We're getting the mean visa lady, I wanted the one next to her, but there's nothing I can do. Finally we're right in front of her, I give her my papers.

"The SEVIS payment is not registered in the system. We can't give you the visa"

"What is going on?" I think to myself (because who can I think to, really? Although I do know a couple people who can tell you what you are thinking) So really, God, is something not right? Do you not want me to go? Am I forcing something that you don't want to happen?

"You need to check with the university... blah blah blah" said the consul, and I'm not really panicking YET... so after some checking to see what we can do, we head out to find a cyber where we can try and see what on earth happened with the SEVIS fee I did pay, but was not register... I call BU, there's nothing they can do. I call the DHS and the stupid machine is no help. I print out another receipt, sort of... but it won't make the system register it...

"God, if you don't want me to go... if it is not in your plans, stop me. I don't want to do anything against your will."

At this point I'm panicking, and I'm being aggressive, spitting out short and unpleasant remarks to my moms insistence that I not chat while I was finding out what was going on.

We're heading back to the consulate. We're in... "The consuls are out to eat. Come back in like 40 minutes"... but then this other dude is on the phone with someone and takes the paper I have saying I just need to pay the SEVIS fee... I don't know what he says or what happens but he tells me to go in again. We do, and I'm talking to some other consul. This time a guy. He seemed nicer.

So I don't even hand in my other receipt. He asks me something about paying for the program and if I have something that can prove it. I show him a bank statement and he says nothing. For like 3 minutes he says nothing. He tears my little paper and does some things I can't remember. Then he puts my passport at his side and gives me a green piece of paper. "Take this to the postal delivery service at the end of the street."

Wait. Does this mean I get my visa?

"You'll have your visa in four or five days"

Wait. Does this mean I get my visa?

My mom asks if they keep my passport.

"The visa is glued to the passport"

Wait. Does this mean I get my visa?

"Will I get my passport back" I ask not really thinking

"If your visa is glued to your passport and you are getting your visa, I guess you should expect to, don't you think?"

I laugh sheepishly and grin at him like I'm some kind of airhead.

We head out of the consulate and I swear I want to jump and scream because...

Wait. Does this mean I get my visa?

Yes, it meant I had my visa. It meant that God had opened the final door, in some sense.

So we're walking to the delivery place and I've learned my lesson. "Don't leave things for the very end" my mom tells me.

"I know." I answer back and just walk alongside.

Dude, I got my student visa. For the first time in my life I will leave my city for more than a month, by myself, to study, at an American university, writing courses.

My dream. Or one of them really... (I went back and checked my 101 things I want to do before I die... this summer I'll be crossing out 4 items in the list) And I can't wait for the trip to begin. The coolest thing about it is that I'll be gone 40 days (41, but one is a travel day so it doesn' count)I'll get my 40 days in the desert, lured by my lover so he can show me his heart's secrets.

So then we go to this fancy restaurant that my mom loves and I eat deliciously... however, after eating such an international dish, with weird sauces that tasted bittersweet, we got on another cab to the airport.

Awful is an understatement of how that cab ride went. The cab driver drove fast, but not only did he drive fast, he insisted on being no more than two meters away from the cars in front of him. He braked regularly, with very little grace and insisted on changing lanes like a maniac. Forty minutes later and I'm at the airport and I swear I want to throw up. I don't. Instead we go to the American Express customer lounge and do that (lounge) for the next three hours. Our flight is leaving, we're home... run for the hills! We still have time to get to the prayer meeting.

I get there and head upstairs, to have some "privacy"... The music was amazing, the singing was heavenly and my God's presence was astounding. I prayed, sang, clapped, semi-danced, kneeled and overall mused on his heart.

Then I threw up.

So much for crazy taxi rides and visas. The day ended with soccer, friends and tacos.

to the moon

I'll hold you dear, near. and close to my heart because. I do.
love. you. make my heart skip a beat. every time I look.
at. you. gently stir my deepest emotions.

I'll cry till rest, best. be going because I won't.
forget. you. 'll shine through my window. every sunrise. I look.
at. you. lovingly bring out the best in me.

For. ever. wonder. why things are. the way they are?

I won't. no more. doubting.

To the moon.


---- so apparently people didn't get this... the "." means that you can start the sentence over from that point and it will still make sense (at least most of it will)

example "I love. you. are crazy" would include "i love you" "you are crazy".. capishe?

Stranger than fiction

So this movie, let me just begin by saying that it is not like anything I've ever seen.

I found myself walking out of the theater feeling good about myself and about everything that's been going on around me.

It's a simple movie, "quiet" as someone in some random forum described it to be. It is quite, but touching on so many levels.

First of all, this is the most bizarre and unusual movie I've ever seen. It truly is stranger than fiction.

There's this moment in the movie, that I'm sure was very different for all of us experiencing the film, where you just get pulled in.

I could hardly breathe when the story was unfolding.

It's a clean movie... not clean as in "rated G"... more like when you go into a restaurant and there's no smoking allowed, so the air is nice and clean and when you leave you don't reek of cigarettes smoke. Yes, clean like that. Fresh.

It was so fresh it was almost overwhelming. It's about living and enjoying and I'm not really sure what, but boy was it nice to see something like that after so many cliched movies.

I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to enjoy the process of life happening.

Mourning Saul and Jonathan's death

I've never been in love. Real "in" love. So basically that means that I should have never suffered from a broken heart.

Up until now, other than the obvious life afflictions, you know, like issues with your parents, childhood friends undone, failing a test that really mattered, whatever crap that might have happened... I never fully understood how it felt to be broken hearted.

I've only imagined two people, one of them real and the other fictional, to have gone through this particular pain. One of them, the last James Bond in the 007 movies, the other, someone I know.

Both of them were in love and through harsh realizations had to, quite literally, let go of that relationship. Just one person from the four involved in these two stories died. And yes, it is the one in the 007 movie. But now that I understand this... this heartbreak think... all four of them could have died and it still wouldn't have mattered.

Because it doesn't matter if you die on the outside (and this right here is the part where my "exaggerate everything" tendency kicks in) you feel like you've been beaten and trampled so bad on the inside that I guess it wouldn't matter to feel anything else. Like nothing, because you are dead.

But then again I believe that when I die I'll go to heaven, so that's bound to be much better than feeling broken hearted.

So anyways, this post is my attempt at expressing what I'm not really sure I should express. But today, I felt a bullet go through my heart and come back out again.

It was not love, the type of love you could or should imagine... the kind you are "in" (love)... but it was love. It is love... and it is broken. My heart is broken.

And I'm gonna feel that a bit often from now on, and boy does that suck.

But there is a time for mourning and a time for whatever goes after that. The tricky part is forgetting. Forgetting while you're sitting in church listening to the pastor preach... while you're about to step up and play... while you're finally driving home... while you see them and go about as if nothing happened and nothing will happen... while you make your best attempt at being strong... while you're in line waiting for your movie to start...

I'll embrace the mourning, at least for a little bit. But one thing is for certain, I'm not doing what James Bond did. I'm doing what the other someone did. This will make me stronger, not more guarded. This will make me more vulnerable and not close hearted. This will make me grow and not stay in the same place half of my lifetime. This will make me get closer to God instead of further away from everyone else.

I'm really sorry I can't be more specific with all of this. It's just... not wise to do so.

You can't heal a wound if you don't let Him tear out the scab. or something like that

"Saul and Jonathan were beloved and pleasant in their lives,
And in their death they were not divided;
They were swifter than eagles,
They were stronger than lions.

O daughters of Israel, weep over Saul,
Who clothed you in scarlet, with luxury;
Who put ornaments of gold on your apparel.
How the mighty have fallen in the midst of the battle!

Jonathan was slain in your high places.
I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
You have been very pleasant to me;
Your love to me was wonderful,
Surpassing the love of women." 2 Samuel 1:23-26


The same day Saul died was the day Jonathan died. They were tied together even though they were not one same person. The same day I turned in my enemy, my heart had to be turned in also. Both die so He can live.

Goodbye Saul, you will not be missed. Goodbye Jonathan. I'm letting you go now.

sleepless in tampico

So I can't sleep, and it's been a while since I haven't been able to sleep quite like this. Because I'm not tired and I should be, being that last night I slept like 5 hours... probably more because I overslept, but it felt like five.

I've been trying really hard this past month to write something interesting, mind-shaking or even a bit inspiring. Boy has it been hard.

I don't want to rant because ranting is overrated now... I'm trying this new thing where I don't whine and I focus on the good side of things.

I don't have any deeper insight into my life right now... things are starting to build up again so I haven't any conclusions so far. But I'm getting there I guess.

There's some very good news in other aspects of my life and career, but I'm gonna hold on to that info until I'm rolling with it all and then I'll tell you all about it.

I debated with myself on not posting this entry, because it's so lame and all, but I will anyways.

Ohh, the spiderman trailer is awesome... and this coming from someone who HATES comicbook based movies... (I watch them anyways, but whatever) heh. I'll talk about it and what it means to me later.

Thursday, March 8 2007

I've been thinking and thinking about making out of writing something serious in my life.

Most of you already know that apparently, I have this odd passion for the film industry... and yes, I do appreciate a good directed movie, I'm a sucker for an awesome soundtrack and scripts make or break a movie... but, here's a confession I haven't made to anyone yet. Not even my concience.

I think I don't like movies that much... I mean, not enough to make them. Or maybe I do, I just don't know. You see, I've been thinking, and while doing that realizing, that my love for the film industry is more of an acquired taste from a couple of friends I had a long time ago. And the thing is, once my mind began developing around it, wow, it just felt right. I've always wanted to do something creative, and the many times I've "directed" something for like class and stuff, I always had a blast doing so and felt right in my element... But still, thinking about making that my life dream... well, no. I just couldn't picture myself doing it all my life. Or maybe yes, I just don't know.

However, writing. That's something that's always been a passion of mine. For lack of organization and whatever, I stopped doing so for quite some time. But when I find myself before a computer or a new sheet in my very-vintage-harriet-the-spy-notebooks there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

I feel selfish sometimes, because I always write about me. So maybe next time I'll write about something else. Maybe a movie, a cd, a moment in time or in whatever.

I most likely wont' write here for like a month or so, so I just want to leave whoever reads this with one last thought for your day.


"This is the law of the house; Upon the top of the mountain the whole limit thereof round about shall be most holy. Behold, this is the law of the house." Ez 43:12

Figure it out. I'm doing so too.

Shrimps

I had a terribly eye-opening day today... shocking, I guess I could call it like that. I tried to search for a word that truly fit my feeling, but I couldn't find it.

I went out with my mom and finally realized many things.

One

There's this particular moment, a time where you feel words and images, people and places, thoughts and feelings collide together and suddenly, you understand. "Revelation!" you're probably saying. No... we've just been deceived into believing revelation comes in the sweet moment of intellectually understanding.

You see, most of the time our "revelations" are just mere comprehensions of what we've heard or seen. Deeper into the reality of revelation, true revelation comes from intimacy.

Revelation comes from "knowing" God... the first time the term "knowing" is used in the Bible it's when Adam "knew" Eve... meaning that they were intimate with each other... and that intimacy, that "knowledge", is the same as real revelation. Out of that moment of knowledge and intimacy came life: fruit, if you may. Children... so when our great understandings and revelations come without fruit, measurable fruit, tangible fruit, then is it really revelation? No... for revelation comes from intimacy and true intimacy encapsulates knowledge, and true knowledge produces: children, fruit... life. If our "revelations" are not producing measurable fruit, then we need to ask ourselves if we're actually connecting our intellectual comprehensions with our spiritual realities. From the Book to our life... in that moment, that's when we reach revelation.

Two

I keep telling myself I don't know what I want. My dreams, I fear, are acquired aspirations. Stolen bits and pieces from all the people around me. I've become a puzzle piece and so far just left and right have matching pieces...

Trying to figure out what I want, bumping into the possibility of having dreams, of becoming something.

I tell myself not to do anything before "I know". Before "I know" EXACTLY what God wants for me and how to get there. So far, I thought that that way of thinking was fine... because I wasn't thinking it like that, it was more like "I don't want to mess up, show me Your way so I can walk in it and please You"...

mistake number one: believing I would be saved from "messing up"...

I will mess up, and I have deeply messed up in many ways. Jesus already knew that and He still wants me to try anyways.

It's easier like this: I don't let myself dream because I tell myself that in the end, if I chase my dream, God will make me choose between my dream and His. Obviously, I'd choose His (I think I would) and then I'd feel miserable for letting go everything I had worked so hard for.

But talking with wiser persons here and there... turns out I don't trust God.

mistake number two: thinking I was not going to mess up...

Who said anything about not messing up? I'm so infatuated with the idea of "being ok" and not messing up that I'm not doing anything anyways. I sit by my computer and wonder what the future will bring but I'm too afraid to face it.

It's time to mess up...

Three

Has to do with Two...

So now that I decided to risk it. Do it. Take a chance. Dream my dreams. Chase them all over the world...

Why do we keep insisting on believing in a God that WANTS you to suffer and loose your dreams for some lame dream He might have?

Don't we know that His plans are greater than ours? Don't we know that His ways are better than our ways? Don't we say that we believe that what's in His heart for us is always the best?

Then why do I think that once I do get to the "choose your or my dream" part of my life, "my dream" will be the best one and God's dream will only be a second rate thing?

Will that help me trust in Him a bit more? Let's hope so.

Four

People are amazing. Love is amazing. Vulnerability is amazing. Why don't we give it a try?

Do the chicken dance!

So I had this entry all planned out, half of it written and all, but then I thought it might be kind of confusing, so now I have to figure out what I want to talk about.

In all honesty, this past month has been one of the most intense months of all my short life. I remember praying to God, saying with all my heart, "show me my heart... open my eyes", and boy did He take it seriously. For dramatic purposes, although it is as real as I am writing it, He did open my eyes: I saw everything I've never wanted to see in my life. All the trash, all the concealed shards and cobwebs. All the demons... turns out my heart isn't as nice and clean as I liked to think it was.

So there I am, facing a mirror, and what I see is like nothing I've ever seen before. I look into my eyes and I see shades of gray that have never caught my gaze on previous occasions. But there it is. And God is truly shouting at me "Look. See. Hear. Understand." and all I do is run like a beheaded chicken trying to hide from an obvious truth, an impending fate...

It's time to choose. Time to decide where I want to head off to. Life or death.

It's like when God told Moses "I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that... you... may live; that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers..."

He called heaven and earth as witnesses... "Choose life" He says, with nothing but a desire to have me... and there I go again, beheaded chicken running in circles trying to get somewhere, unaware that most likely I won't go anywhere because, dude, I don't have a head.

And there I go again.

Let me be a bit clearer so you can understand what is going on.

As it turns out my heart is filled with violence and bitterness... Violence? Wow, that's a term I never thought I'd use to describe myself. But yes, world, now you know. I am violent. And not precisely the good "heaven taking violent", just plain ol' violent. And amongst other things, I want things to be done my way or the highway... but since I had been praying to God that I wanted Him to show me His ways, now He's all "My way or the highway" on me, which is good, really. I just have a hard time coming to terms with myself, realizing that all this time that I thought and believed that I was walking straight ahead all I was doing was the beheaded chicken dance: running everywhere, heading nowhere.

And now here I am, finally coming to terms with the fact that there are indeed scratches and bruises all over me. I'm not perfect, as I'd come to expect of myself. I fail miserably and am incapable of love. I am selfish and cold hearted. I am violent and controlling. I am envious and vindictive.

But as I lay on my bathroom floor, face down before my God, the secret of life unveiled inside me:

Yes, I am all those things. But whatever I am is covered by the fact that I am saved and I am His beloved.

- Oh come on! Are you kidding me?

- No, I'm not kidding. It is covered. All you have to do is believe.

- This can't be true. I mean, look at all I've done and though and said and broken.

- In those things, precisely, is where the power of my Love comes in. What good would perfecting love bring if you were able to perfect yourself on your own? I say to you repent and turn to Me. Obey to every Word that comes from My mouth... I will circumcise your heart so that you may love me with all your heart and soul...

This commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will ascend into heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ But the Word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it.

- *speechless*

Yes. That is the way it was intended to be. All I have to do, all you have to do, all we have to do is listen.

Obedience is in there too, right alongside faith and determination.

But amidst it all is where I find myself being held by His mercies and being softly caressed by the touch of His hand. And as I come to terms with myself I come to terms with the fact that He is the one who transforms me. So I guess all I have to do now is what I already know I have to do... the determining factor is seen the moment I decide to actually do what I know I have to do.

I'll do it... Lead on: This time I'm fighting.

only thing that matters

I want to know what's going on...

with some hard work I'm sure you'll be able to walk again...

I don't know what to do

everything has a purpose, even this. and its up to you to find it

a warrior does not give up what he loves, he finds the love in what he does.

I don't think your leg is the only thing that got broken

they've told me you will never compete again

you'll be amazed at what you can do

I call myself a peaceful warrior, because the battles we fight are on the inside

This moment... is the only thing that matters




from "peaceful warrior"

My thoughs, well, most of them anyways

It's been a while since I've written something substantial, and truthfully I regret the past ranting entries, but we'll just leave 'em to show that we all have ups and downs... I said I was going to write more, but this month has been a crazy month. I found this article, that just about sums up my thoughts, mostly. It's about messy lives and facades and needing God and being overwhelmed and all that... so, if you're someone who would read MY entry on this blog, I really really think you should read this... I was considering saying something like "that's what I think I'm just a bit more evolved into it" but it would be lying. However, there are some things I don't relate too, you are free to take whatever you want... So, I can see it now, the mess, that is... and now I'm figuring out my way out of it. Step by step.

Here's to hoping I have time to write more at night when I'm done studying... because this time I actually have to.

I can't breathe

I'm sorry but it is... can You fix it? Will You please fix it? I can't do it on my own... Please... I'm begging You. Breath on me... blow away the confusion and shine Your light on me.

I'm fading. Hold on to me


ETA: if someone read the lyrics I had here before, I took them off because I didn't really read all of it until now and realized that half of what they said I don't believe in... so, that's that

old post

I think I've hit a breach, so I'm not going to let it go just now.

It seems the easiest thing to do is always just lose your limits. And when you think about it, it's really is as easy as jumping a two feet fence. You just do, and before you know it, you're already on the other side.
I've always had a hard time grasping the concept of limits. We can all go around blaming our parents for it. But it's only ourselves who live with that for the rest of our lifes. Or... yes, or. We can choose to live a life in which two feet picket fences symbolize the freedom in which we are able to forever enjoy life rather be "incarcerated" by real or imaginary walls.
It's as simple as this: a fence, a lamb, a desert. The lamb, refusing to be tied down by the alliusive wall decides to one day not go into the pen. By doing this, she actually believes that she is now free, rather a prisoner of circumstances, and begins to wander off, absobring

daunting
compelling


sometimes i feel like my thoughts actually try to drown me...

writers block

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
-Rilke

This time

I told Pr that I wasn't going to write about the wedding, but I guess I will

I am so tired, I already did like five backspaces just in the last sentece to correct misspelled words and typing mistakes.

this is retarded. I can't write

The wedding was awesome. The food was on time, which was FREAKING awesome. GOSH! And I danced for a while, which was pretty awesome too, except I was so tired I left at like 12:30 in the morning instead of the planned 3 am... hehe... so now I'm here writing about the wedding not really remembering what I was really going to write about. Oh yeah, it was about fighting... but I can't do it unless I'm sober (I'm not drunk really, just tired) so I'll just leave you with one thought

This time, I'm fighting

suckiness

I just about tanked my first partial exams...

I felt so frustrated when I realized that this partial was going to be patheticly low, I came home.

Hold on a sec. It's not like I'm being all emotional... but I knew I wasn't going to pay any attention to the next class anyways.

I have to get a grip of all this school stuff... apparently college does require studying, contrary to my very unpopular belief... so, I have to nerd it up this next partials to TRYYYY and get a freaking 90 for an average.

I just needed to vent a little... so, there it is.

Tumbling Skeptics

I painted something else on my wall today. It says "determination: firmness of purpose"

I went out with V, A and P today. A was here for the weekend, kinda, for the first time in six months. All through the night and into our conversation I was taken aback by so many realizations -things I've been having a lot of lately - but anyways. The following is my thoughts on the matter, if anyone can identify with them, fine, but don't feel offended otherwise.

A moved to another city a while back... and if you read this A, take it as somewhat of a reconciliation letter of some sorts... Even before she moved, we... more like I... pulled back. Crap happened and I just plain and simple pulled back... And I'm terribly sorry for doing that A. For being such an ass of a friend and letting go when things got ugly.

Now I'm sitting there seeing how A's heart is so many things that I've always dreamed of, and by no means am I envious of anything, at all. On the contrary, I am moved, inspired even, and I am stirred in my spirit because my perspective has been widened.

So all of these things that I had been pushing back in my heart start flowing back in like a tidal wave and I don't know what's gotten into me. And she's talking and I can see in her eyes the beauty of her heart, and I feel terrible because I didn't have the courage to believe. In her, in life... in God mostly.

We've become such terrible skeptics. Refusing to believe those things that try to move us from our tiny area of comfort. Before we know it, we're so self involved that we've already forgotten that there's actually a world out there, that we are really not that important. Listening to A talk pulled me out of my own shoes and opened my eyes again, to so many things that I, myself, was fiercely shutting my eyes to.

We've been trained to believe that what we have is always the best... or the worst (not my case, though) and we're prepared to fight for that belief whatever the cost. Our minds, so tightly wound, always finding a way to protect us from our insecurities. Even God we find a way to fit into a box. But who are we to fit such an amazing and spectacular Power into a man-made frame? Who are we to limit the capacity of the Uncreated One?

It is so easy for me to point my finger everywhere else, saying things like "she's wrong, he's right" and in a glimpse I've become what I so very much hate. And as I sit here and write, the song on the background agrees with me saying: "Save me from comfort and paper religion. Save me from my complacency. Save me from my delusions."

Reflecting on everything that happened tonight I can't help but ask myself. Have I become so selfish and egocentric that I truly think so highly of myself? Am I what Paul says on Romans 12 when he warns us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think, but to think soberly?

With such little discomfort I find myself stepping up to my soapbox proclaiming great feats, calling all attention unto me. Convincing myself that God has one plan and one way and that everyone else is wrong and no one knows what I know or sees what I see... and I am so wrong. I am so terribly and utterly wrong.

Why do I try and push God into my own small four walls?

Am I going to let Him be? Am I going to let Him be God the way I cannot comprehend nor understand? It is a risk... Letting all my paradigms fall down to the ground. It comes with letting go of the control of my life, but like I've said before, it's a risk I'm very much willing to take.

Will I believe now, that He works in ways I will never fully grasp? Will I be willing to stop looking only at myself and love others in selfless way? I have hope, as we all have hope.

I cannot let myself stop believing... in people's ability to change, to stand firm, to remain unshaken. I cannot let myself believe that there are only few crying out for the heart of the Father... it's like that prophet dude that whined to God saying that He was the only man of God left after a prophet killing, and then God told him that He was thinking too much of himself, that He had been setting aside a couple hundred men and women with a heart hungry for God... oy.

We cannot believe only for ourselves, our families, our churches and our nations. Who will believe for other people, other families, other churches and other nations if not us? (seeing as we many times barely believe in ourselves)

We cannot keep limiting God saying he can or can't do or say as He pleases, for He alone is God.